It's good, I liked it but didn't love it. I wanted more detail, metaphors, analogy. It needs more subtle foreshadowing, and tighter dialogue, nothing that requires a major re-write of any section.
Nothing I haven't read before. The detail and suspense need to be there to make it something different and new.
Quite difficult to get through due to the grammar, but the core is solid.
I'll try to be a little more helpful than folks past. It's good, the visual and emotional detail are great, but the presentation of those ideas is holding it back. It doesn't quite flow naturally. Keep working because I love these kinds of stories.