I had always gone to church with my family when I was in Michigan. When I moved to Florida my mom wasn't really into that thing. I don't push faith on anyone because it's not my place and I never really brought up the fact to anyone I was Christian. After my mom had passed away I had tried to believe she was in a better place and she was in heaven. I noticed people say those things in comfort and try to help but the pain is still there. When it finally hit me that she was gone and she wasn't coming back I started to cry. The only thing I could think was how could god put people on this earth and have people love and cherish them and the next minute they were gone.

I started to question god and why this would happen if it was truly his plan and why would he want this to happen. I went to my church and prayed over my family for better things to come and for my medical problems to come to an end. Eventually, I stopped praying and faded away from going to church. How could I go to church and worship someone who took the most important person from me? To this day I still struggle with going to church and accepting things but I know it's all for a reason. I went to church this weekend with my aunt and when it was time to pray I cried. I cried because there's so much going on in my life right now I can't handle all of it.

The next day I went to school I had a best friend named Harley and I loved her so much and so did my family. We talked on the phone every day and we had a seventh hour together. Over the summer we hung out and talked we never lost contact until one day. One day I texted her because I was in a dark place and I was crying and thinking about ending it that night She left me on read and never responded so I ended up self-harming because she was the only person I could talk to. The next day I asked if we were cool and were still friends and she didn't answer. She texted me later on saying she didn't want to be friends and she didn't like me, I couldn't understand because I was there for her when she had family problems and she wouldn't talk to me about everything.

I figured out it wasn't my fault that we had split apart even if I still say it is it wasn't. I would apologize for getting insulted or mistreated because I thought it was my fault. I still to this day wonder why people target me..is it because I'm fragile or want friends i really don't know but it hurts more and more every time. It's been a year and I've moved on from that lost friendship . I met three new people that I liked but were scared of at first. We all had the same fifth hour which was Spanish.

We started to talk and I loved their personalities and just them in general they were good people. we were friends for about 4 months and then it happened. We all usually walked around the school before the first hour started but this time was different. They were distant and cold towards me when I asked a question. I couldn't tell if it was happening again like my last friendship or if it was my depression leading me into overthinking per usual. I was nice about it and texted one of them and said "Hey I don't know if it's my depression or if I'm onto something but I feel like you guys are distancing ourselves from me and I don't know if I'm just crazy or if it's happening".

She texted back and of course, I was right. She told me they didn't like me and I was saying things that never happened and putting words into her mouth. I couldn't believe it had happened again i went and sat in our Spanish teacher's room like we usually did except she wasn't there my teacher asked me if I was alone and I shook my head yes and smiled. I could tell she felt bad because I was sitting alone and wasn't talking. I kept circling back into that moment and in my head, I kept asking myself why. Why was I so stupid to put my shield down and trust people?

I never wanted this to happen because my friendships always end the same way. Honestly this time I texted her and said it I told her "I was changing and breaking myself for you guys because when we first started talking I thought you didn't like me so I started to like you guys but I should've known this was coming".She told me I never should've changed which I did in the beginning but after I started showing a little more of myself I also knew I wouldn't have friends because of all my medical issues and the trauma I've been through, i would always turn my traumas into jokes and my medical problems are always the main concern with everyone. I can't look at people without thinking I'm being judged and I can't talk to people because I'm afraid of saying something wrong. I've been trying to keep relationships that hurt me in the end. I've had relationships where they made fun of my dead mom or where they made fun of my weight or even my medical issuesIi can't control. From this day forward I vowed I wouldn't get close or attached to anyone because they all turn out the same and I can't change that.

Eventually, I reconnected with a few of them and I'm glad because I liked them. I've had problems all my life with people because was too blind and too nice to see I was being mistreated and I thought that's how all friendships lasted. I was shown the wrong example when I was little because I thought if someone wanted to be friends then you had to be. I have found out that it had been a lie .You can pick and choose whis yourrr lifeandI d i figured iI'mdone trying to play nice if they want to be friends then they will.