Another night of no sleep, my eyes are wide open with dry tears plastered onto my face. Warm,red liquid drips from my arm onto my sheets,staining it. I grab my bloody razor and head towards the bathroom. As I turn on the bright light, it slightly blinds for a few seconds, then I adjust to it. I wash of my bloody wrist, I wince in pain as the warm water cleans my wound off. After I wrap a bandage around my wrist tightly, making sure it won't leak out anymore. I start to walk out of the bathroom but my reflection in the mirror caught my attention. I look at myself intensely in disgust. I was way too fat and ugly. The thought of eating something, makes me feel sick. How could I eat when I look like this? I start to remember what the kids at my school have said to me. All the mean remarks flood back to me."Your too fat and ugly, just go kill yourself faggot, no one will ever love you." That's all I would hear everyday, not just by my schoolmates, but also my own father. They are right, no one will ever love a boy like me. I put two of my fingers in mouth and shove them down my throat, I start to gag as the warm liquid falls right down to toilet.  After I clean up I sigh sadly. I walk back to bed, feeling disappointed in myself. I lay down, then feel wet,hot,sticky tears invade my eyes. I ask myself all the time is it bad to favour death over life? We all die sooner or later, why can't I do the honors of ending it myself?  In death you don't have to worry about what people think, because, well....you'redead, what else is there to it. You become part of earth once again, just particles of dust racing through the wind. I start to drift of into a slumber that feels endless. I am neither dead nor alive, I am in the middle of both right now. I am somewhat at peace right now, but only for now. I know once I wake up that pure sadness and self hate towards myself will be back. I wake up to the sound of my alarm, and slowly get ready for the school field trip today. I don't want to go, but my dad signed me up. I am guessing, just to get me out the house for today. I put on some clothes and go downstairs, to find my dad nowhere in the house. I am just lucky that the nature preserve is only a ten minute walk from my house. I go to the kitchen, and find a note on the table. It was from my father. "I'm not coming home tonight, I better not see you tomorrow you little shit, or there will be consequences." I sighed, It's been a couple years since my mom died and he still blames for her death. Being told that you are the reason your mom died all the time, made me start to think it was really my fault. I mean how could I not think it's my fault, I killed her. I thought of the day, I was in school and started to feel sick, so I called my mom. Then she was about to pick me up, but she collided with another car. The paramedics told my dad and I, she died a quick death and there was nothing they could do to help her at all. After thatmy father started to drink, that led to, me getting a slap or a punch here and there. His words were far worse than his actions. I was about to make myself something for breakfast, but remembered I shouldn't if I want to be skinny, so I decided to leave. I walked to the nature preserve and found a huge crowd of kids all clumped together talking to each other. They all stopped, when I got there and stared at me in disgust."Why hello, Theo, how are you  today?" Mrs. Reyes, my teacher enthusiastically asked me."I'm fine." I murmured into a low whisper. She was hesitant to ask me what was wrong, she just turned and talked to the tour guide.  A few minutes later, the teacher told us to buddy up with someone. The teacher saw I didn't have anyone and asked. "do guys all have a partner?  Theodore needs a partner, if someone is not partnered up. A second later a tall brown- haired boy comes out of the clump of people and volunteers to be partners with me. I'm so pathetic, people don't want to be near me. "Thank you Alex" Mrs. Reyes said. "No problem Mrs. Reyes'' the boy smiled. Alex turns to me to give me a soft smile. "Hi I'm Alex, what's your name ?" he says. I managed to murmur out  "Theo". He answers back and says "Cool, nice to meet you Theo. Then I finally looked up at his face, just a glance I promised myself. I look up and see his dazzling brown eyes, I see how his brown locks of hair land perfectly on the sides of his forehead. I snap back into reality, as a blush begins to escape from me onto my face. How could I think that? I turn away and then the tour begins and we walk through the bright green forest.The tour guide tells us about the trees,plants and animals that reside in this forest. Soon enough we stopped, it was lunch time, I hadn't brought any, so I went  to explore the forest a little bit more. I heard the echoes of the birds chirping within the trees and small voices of laughter from my group. It slowly became most like a slight whisper now. All I heard now was, birds still chirping and the sound of water flowing. " I must be near a river," I said. I followed the sound of the river and eventually found it,and it was beautiful. The water was a dark shade of blue and it had a small little stream flowing throughout the river. I saw these big round grey rocks just sitting there in the river, acting as a bridge to the other side of the forest. I sat down and watched this beautiful sight, as the birds flew through the sky up above me. They flew in a flock as a family. It was something I longed for, a family to go back to. I started to cry, the tears streamed down my face. No one loved me, not even my father, he hated me. "Why!" I screamed. I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed my razor that I had put in earlier for myself. I bring it to my wrist, and slowly cut through my wrist. I thought about my mom and I cried even and went deeper into my wrist. " It was my fault" I cried to myself. After a few minutes, I calm myself down and clean off my razor in the river stream. Then I slowly dunk my wristinto the water, I wince at the pain in my arm. A few minutes later it stopped bleeding and consisted of a cut and dry on the top of the cut. It wasn't as deep this time as I thought it was. I unzipped my black sweatshirt, as I took it off, my black hair got in the way of my face. When I took it off, my black band shirt was all wrinkled. I heard a sound in the bushes behind, I hover next to the river and watch the moving bush in fear. Then a boy came out of the bush, it was Alex. "There you are, I was looking for you, '' he said with a smile. His smile faltered as he was looking at something, then I remembered my two cuts. I get up quickly and try to walk away, but the brown haired boy stops me and reaches out his hand. I hesitantly give him a better look at my two cuts. He couldn't really see one of the cuts because of the bandage on  it, but he could clearly see the other one. The cut was right out in the open. Alex traces the cut and then gives me a look.He proceeds to take off his hoodie and show me his cut on his arm. I look up at him and he says "I have beauty marks too". he starts to smile softly at me and I smile back at him.

 

The End.