12th of Gremlin's Grin

So, apparently, if you defeat a creature, you're supposed to get rewarded. And if you don't defeat a creature, you're probably supposed to run away and hope no one remembers that you ever existed. But the problem is - running away doesn't come with a set of instructions, and there was no manual handed to me at birth on how to survive a rampaging horse-worm.

First of all, I didn't defeat the creature. Not even close. What I did do was survive long enough for the thing to get distracted by something that wasn't me - thankfully, it turned out to be a roast chicken left unattended on another table. That chicken was probably more important to the monster's emotional well-being than I ever was. It chomped down on that poor bird like it was its one true love.

While it was busy, I noticed something else: the banquet hall was caving in. The walls were now cracking, the ceiling was caving in, and some of the guests - mostly the ones who weren't smart enough to run - were in a panic, grabbing food to throw at the creature in what seemed to be a desperate attempt to feed it into submission.

Vince, ever the optimist, was somehow cheerleading this whole disaster. "Go, Klem! Use your hidden powers of... food attack!"

He says this as though he's never met me before.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to find the nearest exit, which, based on the panic, seems to be getting more and more crowded by the second. I would rather take my chances with the creature at this point - it might actually be less terrifying than the crowds of people panicking about... well, everything.

I tried the window. I'm not sure why I thought that was a good idea. The glass, which was magically sealed (why? Why?!) just exploded in my face, sending me flying backward into a conveniently placed table of glittering spoons. I immediately regretted my choice as I now had glittering spoons stuck in places I don't want to talk about.

Then came the rescue.

Oh yes. Just as I'm about to lose hope, a mysterious figure appeared in the doorway. Was it a knight? A wizard? No, it was - wait for it - Vince's pet lizard.

Don't ask me how the lizard got in the mix, or why it had a tiny sword strapped to its back. It certainly didn't help that the thing was more determined than I was to get out of this mess. The lizard seemed to stare at me like it was waiting for me to take charge.

I guess it decided to help? I honestly don't know. Maybe this is how lizards save the day in some mystical kingdom I didn't know existed.

Regardless, I followed it. And as I followed, I found myself in a narrow passageway, my glittering spoons still in tow, and Vince just yelling at me from behind. "I'm coming, too, Klem!"

Yes, yes, Vince, I'm sure you are, but maybe it's for the best if you stay far away from the rampaging creature and the soon-to-be-crumbled banquet hall.

The passageway narrowed even more as we ran. The walls breathed - I swear they did - and I almost had to stop to examine it, but then I realized the walls weren't breathing. They were just laughing at me.

I don't know how, but I ended up in a secret tunnel, and it smelled like old cheese and disappointment.

Just when I thought I might finally escape, I heard a voice.

"Not so fast, young hero."

I turned around to see The Duke of Reproach, who had somehow followed us (even though I'm pretty sure he was just sitting at the table moments ago).

"You didn't think you'd leave without properly winning the challenge, did you?"

I stared at him. Winning?

I'd done nothing except run away, accidentally destroy the banquet hall, and, in a roundabout way, offer food to a monster that was now happily gnawing on a dead roast chicken.

But now, apparently, winning required more.

"I'll be honest," I said, "I'd love to sit down and chat about victory with you, but I'm pretty sure we're about to die in a pile of rubble, so let's talk later."

The Duke just smiled that creepy smile of his and waved his hand.

At that exact moment, the floor fell out beneath me.

And just like that, I found myself falling.

It was a decent fall, really. I was expecting worse, to be honest. But as I fell, I thought, "Well, this was a hell of a day."

So now I'm underground. Where exactly? I have no idea. What was that fall? A trap? A hidden room? Vince is somewhere behind me, still cheering me on for reasons that go beyond human understanding.

I'm probably about to face more danger.

I don't think I'm ready.

But maybe I never will be.