Facing My Fears

Trigger warning; subject matter suicide

Hi My name is Katie and this is my new journal I need to

write my thoughts out because I might blow up in anger and fear, fear of showing my sad feelings.

DEC 0th 7:30am

The air is freezing and everything is freshly coated in

snow!!! The last thing I want to do is go out. let alone go skating

on top of the ice 5 days before the worst holiday, at least in my

opinion, known to man. Christmas. UGH I really dislike this

holiday soooo much !! Why does Ashley and her Boyfriend have

to make me go!! This skating party was making my anxiety go off

the hook. I could not do it.

OH MY GOSH JOURNAL 11:15am

It is almost time for the skating party...

I can NOT believe my Family and friends all love this

holiday, do not get me wrong it's nice and all sometimes but to be

honest this year I am so so tired of any holiday having to do with

being jolly and merry, this year has not been a great year and I

am done faking to be happy when I clearly and most certainly am

not. I know hissing at humans is looked down upon but this

afternoon that's what I did

Ash and Charles told me I do not scare them nor do I scare

anyone as everyone just started to bust out laughing. I guess

when I hiss I look funny or something.

This is what happened after I hissed at the crowd.

Journal oh my gosh I am so embarrassed!!

My sister came up to me and whispered

" You're BETTER THAN THIS, why do you insist on embarrassing yourself."

my sister pleaded with me.

I rolled my eyes and I told her that I just

hated Christmas. I pleaded with her to understand why. I knew

she knew why I disliked this holiday so much.

Heck, all of our family Now just tries to get through another

year without our best friend and brother. You see, I never told you

this journal but a couple years ago about 2 months ago from

today my brother Donnie passed away. He committed suicide, he

was a freshman in highschool and he got hazed and bullied way

to much. Mom and dad tried putting him in therapy and when that

did not work they tried to give him medicine. He was fine after a

few months and more stabilized....

One day I just heard the loudest scream I ever heard my

sister scream. I ran to her side to find my brother Don...Dead on

the floor. That day was the longest day in my entire life and I still

have not fully gotten over this and to write about it is all I know

how to do.

Hey journal, 12:20pm

Later that day Ash and I talked. She understood my

apprehension in going and we agreed that we both hate this

holiday because of what happened to our brother, everything

surrounding the holidays seemed bleak. But we also agreed that

staying home and crying/ feeling sorry for ourselves was a bad

idea, especially isolating ourselves and feeling alone... an all too

familiar feeling of what we have done in the past.

Hey Journal 1:00pm

I have no clue why but for my sister I just sucked it up and

went on the trip. I reluctantly joined my sister and her boyfriend's

side as we boarded the bus. My heart was pounding, being in

public proved to spike my anxiety to an all time high. All my brain

could think was people, crowded, loud, too much. I held my

breath for a minute and then let it out. I sat down and began to

take in more of my surroundings. Once I could focus on certain

things my anxiety tucked away and I began to just observe

quietly.

Dear Journal, 1:30pm

I am bored so I am going to observe this bus full of people

Ashley and Charles- Omg they look so happy like they

never get to go out like this because they both work really long

hours. I am really happy they get to spend this time together in

the journal. I am getting happier than I was earlier that I decided

to come on this trip. I have never seen ash so happy.

Our brother's death proved to take Ashley down a dark

winding pathway. Until she met Charles, he seemed to be her

healer, or he provided a way for her to help herself heal. I was

always jealous that she found someone, but knew I was too

young anyways. 16 is way too young for love in my opinion.

I look around the train, taking in my surroundings a bit

more calmly now. I imagined my brother Donnie being with me at

this very moment. I closed my eyes and allowed my imagination

to be limitless. I felt Donnie was, as weird as it sounds and knew

that I had to be on this trip, somehow I just knew Donnie would

be here if he was still alive and then with a sigh of relief I was

finally happy to be out on the holidays!

Dear Journal, 3:15pm

I am sitting here on the bench watching everyone ice

skate. I spent almost 2 hours skating with Ashley, Charles and my

other friend Crystal- it was AMAZING. I can not believe that I

almost stopped myself from this amazing experience. In the

moment that I realized missing out on this would have been

comfortable, but not the thing I really wanted, I feel deeper into a

mind of thankfulness.

Dear Journal 6:50pm

Wow what a wonderful day, I am still in a grateful

mindset...without today I may have still been stuck in a rut of

sadness and depression, but because I came together with

friends and family to just be I feel much more safe and connected

to them like I never have before. The rest of the ice skating trip

was heavenly and the after hangout was so fun. We went to a

restaurant called Wild Buffalo Bills. We watched the food we

ordered being prepared right before our eyes. A great ending to

the perfect day.

All because I took a chance, it turned out to be fun