Wrapped in darkness, lying in my bed, Sleep seems to elude me. I am exhausted, and yet my mind refuses to allow me to rest. The silent tears that stream down my face are not new; in fact, I have given up trying to control them. Controlling them is an illusion anyway; whether they are visible or not, the truth is they are always there just beyond the surface. One of the many reasons I have decided to embrace the pain within me is that it takes to much effort to hide. I have decided to embrace the tears and allow them to flow as freely as a stream of the neighborhood creek. I do not even attempt to wipe them away anymore. Maybe I need to shed the tears to mend the broken heart that plagues me. Nothing else seems to work.
Our relationship was rocky from the beginning, but I loved you. Love is supposed to have the ability to conquer everything, that is what I grew up believing, and if I am entirely truthful in this solitary moment with my broken heart, I still believe it. I believe that love has no bounds; it can brighten a dark world and create a safe haven. Which is why I believed you when you said you loved me, fully, completely, and without hesitation. I believed you when you said that I was too important for you to risk losing me, fully, completely, and without hesitation. I believed you when you said that what we shared was unique, fully, completely, and without hesitation. I even believed you when you said I was the only one, fully completely, and of course, once again without hesitation.
That's how I ended up here. In bed, alone, tears streaming down my face, wondering what to dowith the child growing inside me. I found out about your lies minutes before I was on the phone with the doctor's office. I was stopped by a few friends on my way to make that call. They stood tall; they didn't blink; I could sense the intense feeling of proudness within their stance as they presented her to me, this unknown girl. Their faces all read, "I told you so." In shock, I listened to every word they had to say. With each word feeling like a physical stab into the deepest regions of my heart, I accepted the pain of your truth. I took every syllable of what was being said with as much grace and strength as I could. I even said thank you to all three of them. Can you believe that? I said "Thank you" for breaking my heart, thank you for telling me that what I believed in was a lie. I said, "Thank you."
I didn't have time to dwell on the confirmation of your lies. I had a call to make, remember. The nurse confirmed that the pregnancy test was positive. I didn't imagine it; there really is a baby growing inside me. I was excited, happy, glowing in fact with the news that it was true. Yet, the truth of your lies slowly seeped into my consciousness as the minutes slipped past me. Slowly the realization that we were over began to take root. I now knew that you didn't love me, fully, completely, and without hesitation. I now knew that I wasn't too important to lose, fully, completely, and without hesitation. I now knew that what we shared wasn't unique, fully, completely, and without hesitation. I also now knew without a doubt that I wasn't the only one, fully, completely, andwithout hesitation.
I had to wait a full hour after I received the news before I could call you. I had to wait until my sixth-period class was over before I could get to a quiet place and let you know everything I knew to be true. I paused when I heard the sweet sound of your voice, allowing the instant ripple of desire to flow to the very core of me.
"Morgan," you said
I truly love the magical sound of your desire through the phone; it's a familiar feeling, yet this instant flash of emotions is following something new. It's a new feeling that I have yet to experience with you. To my sudden self-consciousness, I realize that it is an enormous rush of uncontrollable torment thrust towards my heart; I felt myself drawing from a very personal intimate strength. I was unaware that I possessed. I realized that you're unconscious of the fact that I know the truth of your lies. As I felt your love carry its way through the phone line, I acknowledged that this was going to be the last time I could fully embrace the love you offered. Maybe I imagined that part, and maybe there was still a little hope left within me that there could still be an us. More then likely, I am still glowing just a little at the news that we are about to become parents. I'm not sure that I have the ability to determine what is real and what is not anymore.
Digging deep within myself, I find the strength and courage to continue with the call. You should hear the news of the day the same way I heard the news. It's only fair to have you feel the amount of pain I felt right before you know wehave our first child on the way. Yet, the truth is I have to tell you this way because I'm suddenly lost.
I'm here living this moment, and I know what I have to do. I want to put it off just for a moment longer; maybe several; I truly wish things could go back to what they were this morning before I knew. I so very much want to allow you an opportunity to make it right, but I know you. You will tell me anything and everything you can to make it all okay, and I will believe every sweet lie out of your mouth because damn it, I love you, and I want to believe you. So I hold back the tears, I hide my breaking heart, I ignore the crushing pain of your lies, and I hear the words.
"We're Over" slip through my lips and flow through the phone that connects us in this moment.
I kept talking, and I couldn't stop; if I stopped, I might forget all the lies. I can't forget all the lies. I can't forget that what was true this morning is not what is true now, at this moment. This moment is the one that will change us, or maybe it's not the moment; maybe it was the realization of what you had done to create the moment that changed us. I don't have the answers. I don't know how to move forward from here with you; I only know how to say goodbye.
The words stop flowing from my mouth, I've said what I said, and now there's a moment of silence. Our mutual silence is quickly filling with heartbreak; it's filled with what if's and it's filled with confusion. The silence is so loud; it's deafening. It's filled with everything thathurts, my pain, your pain, and the pain of our unborn child. I need to end the silence; I need to move away from the pain surrounding us; therefore, I dig within myself once more. Pulling from a strength I did not know I possessed, I catch my breath through the crashing waves of hurt and allow the second part of our news life for the first time since I heard it over the phone just an hour ago.
"I'm pregnant."
That is the sentence that fills the silence, and as the words usher into life with a shallow breath, I realize that I can't wait for a response. I need to end this; I need to be stronger; I need a strength that lies well within the depths of my heart., I need to walk away. Fear, doubt, and heartache are my closest companions now.
The days have melted into each other, they seem to move by slowly, and you haven't called. Those days have turned into weeks, and you have yet to reach out. As those weeks turned into months, I have given up hope that I will ever hear from you. How can you be someone I loved? How could I have trusted you so fully that I said yes that night we didn't have a condom. How could your lies have been so much more then what we were?
I know you're with her. She enjoys walking through the halls at school, announcing to everyone willing to listen that you love her. I should feel angry; I should be upset that you're with her, yet I only feel pity for her. How sad of a person she must be to know she's with a boy who would treat his child's future mother with such disrespect. How broken she must be tobe so content that she won your affections. Here's the thing that people don't know, I don't even know her name. This strange, unnamed girl, who has had so much effect on my life's path, is so unimportant. This broken girl slept with my boyfriend, oh, she felt so powerful that day she told me of your lies. She even told me once that I couldn't have you back. She loved you, you loved her, and I was just a jealous loser. The loser part does bring laughter, I know that it shouldn't, but the very idea that I would be offended by such a remark from a boy who lies is beyond my understanding capabilities. She didn't seem to understand that I didn't want you back, you choose to continue that relationship with her, hell you even defended her once. Oh, I love you, unlike you, I don't need to lie to myself. My heart breaks whenever I think of you. In fact, I feel the loss of what could have been, what should have been every day every night wrapped within the darkness. I miss you, and I resent the forced reality that I was not as important to you as you said I was.
Those are the thoughts I fall asleep to every night. Every night as the darkness wraps me within its cold dark space, the tears fall; they always fall. You don't deserve my tears, you don't deserve my heartbreak, I know this, and yet once the night covers the earth, I can no longer deny that acknowledging to myself that I have broken is extremely hard to accept. In all honesty, I'm more shattered then broken; in fact, the brokenness is something I seem to be able to understand fully. I can even admit thatmy brokenness is probably more powerful than the girl with no name because I see you. I know what you did, I know what shame you carry within your heart, and I know your running from it. It scares you, and even with all that knowledge, my very pregnant, foolish, girlish self still loves you.
As time has passed, our daughter has grown within me. The doctor says she's healthy; she has such a strong heartbeat. I love hearing her heartbeat. It sounds like a horse galloping wildly through a field of lavender; well, that's what I picture when I hear it. You don't know we're having a girl, a daughter of our own. Well, I am giving birth to my daughter without you. She's going to be amazing; I feel the strength within her kicks. I feel her determination with each and every movement she makes.
She's going to change the world. I don't know-how, and I don't know when but I know with everything in me that she's going to change the world. It's a bittersweet pill to swallow at times. I'm going to see it all, her first steps, her discovering the world around her. My daughter will fill my life with laughter, and I will be the one to wipe her tears. You're going to miss it. You're going to miss everything, and the saddest part of that thought is that I know you. I know you're going to regret it, I know you're going to carry the shame of it, I know you will spend years running from it, hiding from it, and yet even in my love for both of you, I know it has to be this way.
Tonight's darkness feels different. I'm not as alone as I was when I started this journey. It's notfilled with thoughts of you anymore. The heartache is still there, I'm not sure that will ever go away, but tonight feels special. Tonight I'm lying here in bed wrapped within the clutches of the darkness that we call night. Yet, I no longer feel the coldness of it, nor do I fear the aloneness that usually accompanies it. The tears have dried up; in their place is the awareness of excitement of my daughter's arrival. As I slowly begin ticking off the things I need to do before my daughter makes her grand entrance into the world, I will let go of you, I will grasp my freedom from the pain you left me with, and I will love my daughter with all that I am. Tonight my thoughts are filled with love and with my future. Tonight…
Ohhh,
I think I just peed the bed?
No, I didn't. I would know if I peed the bed, wouldn't I?
It's my water, it broke. It's time.
Tonight is special.
As I roll out of bed, I head down the hall to the bathroom and begin to clean myself up. A split second of fear grips me. Acknowledging fear allows me to fully experience the rush of excitement for my daughter's arrival.
Walking back down the hall towards my room, I ponder whose eyes she will have. Will she have your eyes, or will she have mine? Reaching my bedroom door looking for my hospital bag, I glance at the crib and feel empowered by my new knowledge.
I now know that I love my daughter, fully, completely, and without hesitation. I now know that she will always be too important to lose, fully, completely, and without hesitation. I now know that what we share will be unique, fully, completely, and without hesitation. I also now know without adoubt that I can do this without you, fully, completely, and without hesitation.
Our relationship was rocky from the beginning, but I loved you. Love is supposed to have the ability to conquer everything, that is what I grew up believing, and if I am entirely truthful in this solitary moment with my broken heart, I still believe it. I believe that love has no bounds; it can brighten a dark world and create a safe haven. Which is why I believed you when you said you loved me, fully, completely, and without hesitation. I believed you when you said that I was too important for you to risk losing me, fully, completely, and without hesitation. I believed you when you said that what we shared was unique, fully, completely, and without hesitation. I even believed you when you said I was the only one, fully completely, and of course, once again without hesitation.
That's how I ended up here. In bed, alone, tears streaming down my face, wondering what to dowith the child growing inside me. I found out about your lies minutes before I was on the phone with the doctor's office. I was stopped by a few friends on my way to make that call. They stood tall; they didn't blink; I could sense the intense feeling of proudness within their stance as they presented her to me, this unknown girl. Their faces all read, "I told you so." In shock, I listened to every word they had to say. With each word feeling like a physical stab into the deepest regions of my heart, I accepted the pain of your truth. I took every syllable of what was being said with as much grace and strength as I could. I even said thank you to all three of them. Can you believe that? I said "Thank you" for breaking my heart, thank you for telling me that what I believed in was a lie. I said, "Thank you."
I didn't have time to dwell on the confirmation of your lies. I had a call to make, remember. The nurse confirmed that the pregnancy test was positive. I didn't imagine it; there really is a baby growing inside me. I was excited, happy, glowing in fact with the news that it was true. Yet, the truth of your lies slowly seeped into my consciousness as the minutes slipped past me. Slowly the realization that we were over began to take root. I now knew that you didn't love me, fully, completely, and without hesitation. I now knew that I wasn't too important to lose, fully, completely, and without hesitation. I now knew that what we shared wasn't unique, fully, completely, and without hesitation. I also now knew without a doubt that I wasn't the only one, fully, completely, andwithout hesitation.
I had to wait a full hour after I received the news before I could call you. I had to wait until my sixth-period class was over before I could get to a quiet place and let you know everything I knew to be true. I paused when I heard the sweet sound of your voice, allowing the instant ripple of desire to flow to the very core of me.
"Morgan," you said
I truly love the magical sound of your desire through the phone; it's a familiar feeling, yet this instant flash of emotions is following something new. It's a new feeling that I have yet to experience with you. To my sudden self-consciousness, I realize that it is an enormous rush of uncontrollable torment thrust towards my heart; I felt myself drawing from a very personal intimate strength. I was unaware that I possessed. I realized that you're unconscious of the fact that I know the truth of your lies. As I felt your love carry its way through the phone line, I acknowledged that this was going to be the last time I could fully embrace the love you offered. Maybe I imagined that part, and maybe there was still a little hope left within me that there could still be an us. More then likely, I am still glowing just a little at the news that we are about to become parents. I'm not sure that I have the ability to determine what is real and what is not anymore.
Digging deep within myself, I find the strength and courage to continue with the call. You should hear the news of the day the same way I heard the news. It's only fair to have you feel the amount of pain I felt right before you know wehave our first child on the way. Yet, the truth is I have to tell you this way because I'm suddenly lost.
I'm here living this moment, and I know what I have to do. I want to put it off just for a moment longer; maybe several; I truly wish things could go back to what they were this morning before I knew. I so very much want to allow you an opportunity to make it right, but I know you. You will tell me anything and everything you can to make it all okay, and I will believe every sweet lie out of your mouth because damn it, I love you, and I want to believe you. So I hold back the tears, I hide my breaking heart, I ignore the crushing pain of your lies, and I hear the words.
"We're Over" slip through my lips and flow through the phone that connects us in this moment.
I kept talking, and I couldn't stop; if I stopped, I might forget all the lies. I can't forget all the lies. I can't forget that what was true this morning is not what is true now, at this moment. This moment is the one that will change us, or maybe it's not the moment; maybe it was the realization of what you had done to create the moment that changed us. I don't have the answers. I don't know how to move forward from here with you; I only know how to say goodbye.
The words stop flowing from my mouth, I've said what I said, and now there's a moment of silence. Our mutual silence is quickly filling with heartbreak; it's filled with what if's and it's filled with confusion. The silence is so loud; it's deafening. It's filled with everything thathurts, my pain, your pain, and the pain of our unborn child. I need to end the silence; I need to move away from the pain surrounding us; therefore, I dig within myself once more. Pulling from a strength I did not know I possessed, I catch my breath through the crashing waves of hurt and allow the second part of our news life for the first time since I heard it over the phone just an hour ago.
"I'm pregnant."
That is the sentence that fills the silence, and as the words usher into life with a shallow breath, I realize that I can't wait for a response. I need to end this; I need to be stronger; I need a strength that lies well within the depths of my heart., I need to walk away. Fear, doubt, and heartache are my closest companions now.
The days have melted into each other, they seem to move by slowly, and you haven't called. Those days have turned into weeks, and you have yet to reach out. As those weeks turned into months, I have given up hope that I will ever hear from you. How can you be someone I loved? How could I have trusted you so fully that I said yes that night we didn't have a condom. How could your lies have been so much more then what we were?
I know you're with her. She enjoys walking through the halls at school, announcing to everyone willing to listen that you love her. I should feel angry; I should be upset that you're with her, yet I only feel pity for her. How sad of a person she must be to know she's with a boy who would treat his child's future mother with such disrespect. How broken she must be tobe so content that she won your affections. Here's the thing that people don't know, I don't even know her name. This strange, unnamed girl, who has had so much effect on my life's path, is so unimportant. This broken girl slept with my boyfriend, oh, she felt so powerful that day she told me of your lies. She even told me once that I couldn't have you back. She loved you, you loved her, and I was just a jealous loser. The loser part does bring laughter, I know that it shouldn't, but the very idea that I would be offended by such a remark from a boy who lies is beyond my understanding capabilities. She didn't seem to understand that I didn't want you back, you choose to continue that relationship with her, hell you even defended her once. Oh, I love you, unlike you, I don't need to lie to myself. My heart breaks whenever I think of you. In fact, I feel the loss of what could have been, what should have been every day every night wrapped within the darkness. I miss you, and I resent the forced reality that I was not as important to you as you said I was.
Those are the thoughts I fall asleep to every night. Every night as the darkness wraps me within its cold dark space, the tears fall; they always fall. You don't deserve my tears, you don't deserve my heartbreak, I know this, and yet once the night covers the earth, I can no longer deny that acknowledging to myself that I have broken is extremely hard to accept. In all honesty, I'm more shattered then broken; in fact, the brokenness is something I seem to be able to understand fully. I can even admit thatmy brokenness is probably more powerful than the girl with no name because I see you. I know what you did, I know what shame you carry within your heart, and I know your running from it. It scares you, and even with all that knowledge, my very pregnant, foolish, girlish self still loves you.
As time has passed, our daughter has grown within me. The doctor says she's healthy; she has such a strong heartbeat. I love hearing her heartbeat. It sounds like a horse galloping wildly through a field of lavender; well, that's what I picture when I hear it. You don't know we're having a girl, a daughter of our own. Well, I am giving birth to my daughter without you. She's going to be amazing; I feel the strength within her kicks. I feel her determination with each and every movement she makes.
She's going to change the world. I don't know-how, and I don't know when but I know with everything in me that she's going to change the world. It's a bittersweet pill to swallow at times. I'm going to see it all, her first steps, her discovering the world around her. My daughter will fill my life with laughter, and I will be the one to wipe her tears. You're going to miss it. You're going to miss everything, and the saddest part of that thought is that I know you. I know you're going to regret it, I know you're going to carry the shame of it, I know you will spend years running from it, hiding from it, and yet even in my love for both of you, I know it has to be this way.
Tonight's darkness feels different. I'm not as alone as I was when I started this journey. It's notfilled with thoughts of you anymore. The heartache is still there, I'm not sure that will ever go away, but tonight feels special. Tonight I'm lying here in bed wrapped within the clutches of the darkness that we call night. Yet, I no longer feel the coldness of it, nor do I fear the aloneness that usually accompanies it. The tears have dried up; in their place is the awareness of excitement of my daughter's arrival. As I slowly begin ticking off the things I need to do before my daughter makes her grand entrance into the world, I will let go of you, I will grasp my freedom from the pain you left me with, and I will love my daughter with all that I am. Tonight my thoughts are filled with love and with my future. Tonight…
Ohhh,
I think I just peed the bed?
No, I didn't. I would know if I peed the bed, wouldn't I?
It's my water, it broke. It's time.
Tonight is special.
As I roll out of bed, I head down the hall to the bathroom and begin to clean myself up. A split second of fear grips me. Acknowledging fear allows me to fully experience the rush of excitement for my daughter's arrival.
Walking back down the hall towards my room, I ponder whose eyes she will have. Will she have your eyes, or will she have mine? Reaching my bedroom door looking for my hospital bag, I glance at the crib and feel empowered by my new knowledge.
I now know that I love my daughter, fully, completely, and without hesitation. I now know that she will always be too important to lose, fully, completely, and without hesitation. I now know that what we share will be unique, fully, completely, and without hesitation. I also now know without adoubt that I can do this without you, fully, completely, and without hesitation.
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