CakePHP 2.9.5 How I (Almost) Became the Most Pathetic Adulterer in Paris By Stephen Warouw
Comedy

How I (Almost) Became the Most Pathetic Adulterer in Paris

Julien, a married man with a predictable life, finds himself captivated by his chic new coworker, Camille. When she invites him for coffee, he feels like he's on the brink of an affair. However, a timely text from his wife, Sophie, snaps him back to reality. Realizing the absurdity of his situation, Julien decides to stay faithful. Returning home, he faces Sophie’s playful reprimand for forgetting the milk. Grateful for his chaotic yet loving life, Julien embraces the beauty of his normalcy and the love he shares with Sophie.

Nov 9, 2024  |   4 min read
How I (Almost) Became the Most Pathetic Adulterer in Paris
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Imagine Julien, your typical Frenchman: 35, two kids, married for twelve years to Sophie, who has a radar for his every minor slip-up and no patience for his endless hunt for "good" wine deals. Julien is a creature of comforting habits: same boulangerie for baguettes, same chair in the living room, same sad little corner of the kitchen where he can peacefully grumble about grocery prices. He's not exactly living a romantic saga; it's more like a rerun of a sitcom.

Then one day, the office gets a new hire: Camille. Ah, Camille. She's 30, effortlessly chic, and intensely Parisian - the kind of woman who, just by glancing your way, could make you forget your train of thought. She breezed in with a mysterious trench coat, a perfume cloud, and a smile that seemed to whisper, "I could ruin your life if I felt like it."

Julien, however, is a married man with a deep sense of responsibility.. and an even deeper curiosity. He hadn't flirted with anyone new since he was in his twenties and, let's be honest, he hadn't done a stellar job back then, either. But that didn't stop him from feeling like an undercover spy in the break room the first time she said "Bonjour, Julien," with a look that made his heart flutter. He responded with what he assumed was charm but was actually a croak that sounded like he'd been force-fed gravel.

Then one day, Camille pulled her trump card. She cornered him by the coffee machine, that temple of office awkwardness, and asked, "Julien, would you like to grab a coffee with me after work?"

It was just coffee, Julien thought. Probably. But he suddenly felt like he was caught in a heist movie where one wrong move would trip every alarm in his life.

Julien arrived
at the cafe Camille had chosen, only to find it looked like it had been decorated specifically for adulterous liaisons. Dim lights, tiny tables, smooth jazz - it was a place that whispered, "Go ahead, make a terrible decision. No one will know."

Camille was already seated with a glass of wine, and as he sat down, she looked at him as if he were a man of deep mystery, instead of a guy whose most exciting daily activity was finding the good baguette with fewer burnt edges.

"I'm glad you came," she said, and Julien instantly felt like he was under some kind of spell. She smiled that little smile of hers, and suddenly he found himself talking. He didn't even know what he was talking about, but whatever it was, she laughed as if he were the wittiest man in Paris. He felt a surge of confidence and (foolishly) leaned in just a bit, trying to pull off what he imagined was a brooding, intense look.

This was, of course, the exact moment his phone vibrated. With a guilty jerk, he checked it.

Sophie had texted: "Pick up milk and proper cheese. If you bring home the cheap stuff again, I'm divorcing you."

He blinked. Sophie always had impeccable timing, and in this case, her telepathic guilt-trip abilities kicked in just as he was about to say something he'd regret. He put the phone away, but it was too late - the glamour was broken. He suddenly felt the urge to confess, like he was the lamest, most obvious cheater Paris had ever seen.

Camille was watching him with amusement. "Is everything all right, Julien?"

"Oh, it's just.. my wife." He stammered. Camille's amused expression shifted to something more challenging, as if testing how long it would take for him to abandon the mission
entirely. She leaned in, eyes full of suggestion. "Please, Julien," her gaze seemed to say. "Surely you're man enough for this?"

He tried, briefly, to convince himself he was, but visions of his kids and his wife (especially Sophie's disappointed eyebrow-raise) popped into his mind like warning labels. He cleared his throat.

"You know, Camille, I think I should go. My wife is waiting for me," he said with all the conviction of a schoolboy excusing himself from gym class.

Camille's lips curled in a half-smile. "You're a very lucky man, Julien."

And for some reason, as he walked home, Julien felt relieved - like he'd narrowly escaped a very embarrassing death. He imagined himself showing up at work the next day with his clothes inside out or confessing the whole affair at the dinner table. No, he thought. He'd made the right choice.

When he got home, Sophie was there, waiting in her "I-don't-believe-you" stance, one eyebrow raised, arms crossed. "Did you remember the milk?" she asked.

He froze. The milk. He'd been so busy avoiding adultery that he'd forgotten the milk.

"Sophie," he said, thinking fast, "I was on a top-secret mission. For milk. But the store was out. Because of milk heist."

She narrowed her eyes. "And the cheese?"

"It was, uh, commandeered. By a a mob of cheese enthusiasts.."

Sophie snorted, breaking into a reluctant smile. "Well, if you're that committed to keeping secrets, at least make them good secrets." She rolled her eyes and pulled out a fresh bottle of milk from the fridge. "You're lucky I'm prepared for emergencies."

Julien breathed a sigh of relief and joined her at the table. That night, as they shared a quiet dinner, he felt overwhelming gratitude for the chaotic beauty of his normal life, filled with missed grocery items and Sophie's sarcastic quips. Because the truth was, he'd
already found his grande passion, and she was the one who could set him straight with a single text about milk and cheese.

And he wouldn't have it any other way.

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