How We Go On

Azhar Razaq

It's been three years since she left my side, three long years: who

Could have imagined that we wouldn't live our lives together till

The end. I keep questioning this word 'till the end.' What is the

End? Or what is the beginning? If there cannot be an end, as we

All say and believe through faith, than what is the explanation

Of a 'start'? Every beginning has an end, and every end has a

Beginning, so it's better that I rephrase my question, which is

That it wasn't even in our wildest dreams that we wouldn't grow

Old together, seeing each other age, side by side, counting each

Other's wrinkles, making fun of each other, watching our children

Grow before us.

She didn't leave me, she simply died. Yes, leaving someone isn't

Simple but dying is, it's so abrupt and silly; so easy. Divorces,

Fights, separations, are all so complicated and miserable. You

Either wish to live together in peace, or wish you never took

The decision to pick a fight with your better half, but why did

It happen to me? We had nothing of that sort going; we were

Living happy and contented lives; we were the best of friends. The

Term husband and wife seemed childish to us as we cherished a

Unique relationship, yet she died and left me. She left me when

We were at the zenith of our existence. Why now? Why me?

Why us? She wasn't infected with any deadly disease; she was

Mercilessly a victim to a bomb blast and, obviously in such cases,

Nothing really happens to bring the guilty to justice: just a lot of

guilt and remorse left for the affected. No reason, no nothing,

just question after question.

This happened to me, or as I prefer to put it, 'This happened

to us.' Physically we may be apart, but not a single day has

Passed that I don't miss herand I don't remember her in one

way or another. Nonetheless, this destiny that I had to collide

with happened just after nine years or our marriage, the nine

years that I call the greatest years of my life, my happiest days.

No doubt that I had a wonderful childhood and a brilliant

teenage life where we did all sorts of crazy things, but those

years that I spent with her were defining for me. They were

fun and energetic; it was soft and subtle; there was peace and

contentment; it was everything wrapped up in one relationship.

But what am I to do now as she was no longer by my side? No

one to express my inner self to; no shoulder to rest upon, and

no shoulder to give her support; no one to relieve my tired soul;

no one to crack a joke to; no company to make my inner season

pleasant.

Daily I pass by those restaurants and parks where we went to

eat and stroll. They too must be gazing at me and wondering

where my partner is, maybe laughing at me, or maybe just feeling

sorry for me. But I guess these structures have seen far too much

of everything besides me, things that I may not even be able to

imagine. They must have loads of secrets hidden within them;

to them I'm probably just another episode of the larger story.

But these thoughts fade as my attention goes back to her. Why

was I a target of fate, or destiny, or whatever you may call it?

Had I been so bad? Was I being punished for my sins? Or was

I just a victim of the system we call the world, the system we

call life? Are we all subject to this fear and the inevitable fact

that always looms over us? It's like a dagger whose shadow is

always cast upon our necks yet we pretend as ifnothing is wrong,

I remember the times we spent together, so full of hope and

zeal: we will do this we, will do that. Her soul was so lively, so

energetic, always bucking me up when I was feeling gloomy. She

made every facet of me shine.

How will I travel this long road without her? How will I pursue

all that we both dreamed of? It is like a mountain in front of

me, staring at me. The world has forgotten her, although she was

always dear and near to everyone, not a soul could deny this fact.

But this world stops for no one and gradually one is forgotten.

How can they do this to her when she had only been kind to

them? Everyone is carrying on with their lives again, except me.

It made me angry, and I wanted to punish everyone, but then

something inside of me always stopped me and said that maybe

they do pray for her and remember her in their own silent way,

as nobody can cry their whole life.

It was work and home and that was all that was left of me. Work

in some way took my mind off the things that bothered me, but

still from time to time she was always present in one way or

another. Even eating a pizza at lunch would bring back memories

of her, as she simply adored it and would always drag me to go

and have pizza on weekends.

Was this God's will or was it just a freak accident? If it was

God's will, why was it done by a mortal? All sorts of questions

arose in my ever-questioning mind. Life sometimes puts a person

in a very serious, tricky situation. Not knowing what to believe

and what to deny, one is in the midst of a celestial, universal law

which we all have fallen into and given no choice to object to

anything.

Time kept passingat its usual pace; the seasons came and went

one after another. Her grave still looked new as it was the day

she was buried. I usually went there in the evenings to visit her

and sit beside her just as I used to sit beside her at home, silently

talking with her and praying for her to be happy in whichever

dimension she's in.

One day after a long days work, I decided to walk back home

instead of taking the bus, it was about a 45-minute walk, but

something inside me, telling me that I should walk, and indeed it

was a nice idea to walk home as I hadn't ventured out much since

she had gone. On walking home, I had to pass through lots of

busy markets and shopping areas. Going through these areas and

seeing the activity and life there felt as if everyone was making

fun of me and laughing at my pain. Those same markets, those

same shops that we used to shop at, places where we had brought

each other presents, where we used to eat, where we used to . . .

live. Life was still so normal, so happy, as if nothing had changed

in the world. It was just as I had left it three years back. Had

time stopped or to them did my pain mean so little? I felt like

crying. What else could I do? I missed her so much, on reaching

home I dried my tears and washed my face with cold water.

That particular night was somewhat quieter than the nights

I had been spending. Lying on my bed in my dimly-lit room

I struck a match to light a cigarette. Puffing and inhaling the

soothing, smoky aroma I closed my eyes and kept on smoking

with my eyes shut. It was as if I couldn't open my eyes knowing

that I could, but lacking some uncontrollable, forced intention.

'Is thatreally you?' I said. 'Is that really you?' She put her soft

hand on my mouth, a sensation I had not felt for three years,

but it felt as if it had been just yesterday. We kept staring at

each other in silence and awe as tears trickled down my cheeks.

She was a glowing illumination, her smile, soft and subtle just

as always.

'Why do you cry? You have no idea what death is, than why do

you grieve? Didn't we talk about death when we were together in

the world? Now it's happened to us and it had to be me. Don't

think that I'm in any unfamiliar place, you cannot see from where

you are now, so don't judge. When your time comes, and you

are with me, only then will you understand what I mean. But,

my dear, you have to live. Don't grieve. We love each other, and

people who love don't grieve, they only rejoice. Rejoice for the

times spent together, rejoice as we once again will be together.

Our separation is only temporary.'

'Remember when I used to go to my mother's home and you

used to become sad; just consider this my visit, as my mother

and my whole family are with me and I'm very happy. But you

will come in your own time. We had our adventures together in

this world and what magnificent adventures those were. And

certainly we will have them again, I promise you my love. But

you have to live for me, and for us. Go live your next adventure,

then you can also share that with me. But do not grieve any

longer, because then I cannot enjoy the bounties that await me

here. Lets enjoy our gifts and our blessings on our own sides so

we have exciting stories to tell each other.'

'I may not be with you, but I'm always there inside you. I'm as

you. We have never beenapart since the day we met. We can

never be apart, never. Don't kill that lively person inside you.

Remember we used to discuss death and how it's better to die

in an instant than to suffer and die in misery? Well that's what

happened. I departed instantly. Isn't that good?'

'We all have to come here sooner or later. You taught me to smile

in difficult times so now I'm giving that back to you. Smile and

be happy my love. The place that you are in, and I was in, is like

running water, so make the most of it. Take risks, leave no dream

unlived. It's not a rehearsal, it's a one time live act, so be happy

as I am and make me proud. Do the things we dreamed of doing

together, and don't waste your life. Cherish every moment as we

did, and remember that's why I'm happy: because I didn't waste

a single moment with you. I lived, and now I have no regrets.'

'Look into my eyes my dear.' Her eyes were gleaming like radiant

stars on a clear night, soft yet assertive, just as her nature had

been as she always guided me through difficult moments, and

she was once again present for me, to rescue me.

We were holding each other and smiling; smiling with passion

and contentment. Her glowing face was saying a million things

in the silence; she was always with me and always within me,

just as I was always with her and within her.

I have learnt the valuable lesson, which is that "time does not pass. It never

passes. Time is constant - it simply changes".