Just Seventeen
A letter from the Void
A Short-Story by: Paul Boardman
A True Story about a bitter relationship breakdown of 2 Teenagers from England back in 1984. And then 41 years later a letter posted by Jane to Paul in 1984 finally arrives. Finally shows up.
41 years too late.
You are about to read his reply:
Dear Jane.
Hope this letter finds you well and in good health.
Can I recommend that you find somewhere private and alone to read this letter Jane. It is extremely personal and private. I do not wish to cause either of us any trouble; I had enough of that 41 years ago.
Yes, it is me, Paul. Your X Boyfriend and Lover! From many years ago now.
I have to say first, that it almost defies belief that after 41 years, I am writing this letter to you. I am doing so because something quite unbelievable just recently happened. I can hardly believe it myself. Many months ago, I received a letter from you dated 1984. That was 41 years ago almost to the day. I am still in shock to say the least. I hear of things like this happening to other people; but rarely does anything like this happen to me. So, over the past several months, I have been puzzling whether I should or could respond. Respond it is.
When you posted the letter back in 1984 you posted it to the correct address; the old house on Broadway where you had been to see me many times. However, the letter you posted to me came through the letter box into an empty house, as we had all moved out to a new property not too far away in Hatfield (several months earlier) I am told the old house was empty for about 3 months before a new couple moved in. At which point there was a stack of letters on the floor that never got re-directed to us. One letter for me was from you. Anyway, the new owners were not local, and did not know anyone in the area; but found someone who knew me who just lived a few hundred yards away and gave them my letters; with the intention they would eventually bump into me and thus give me them. This never happened though, and they did not know where we had moved to. It's a long story. Suffice to say that they kept my mail on trust and safeguarded it, until they saw me. But with me going to college and then University, then elsewhere after that, they simply did not see me; like ever! They eventually moved house themselves, which did not help. But kept my mail in a draw for me in the hope they would one day see me. To cut a long story short, they eventually bumped into me just after the Covid lockdown ended, as I was back in Doncaster. A place I have rarely lived prior to Covid (I mostly work all over the UK for Social Work agencies as a Care Manager, either for the NHS or Local Authorities)
I now have your letter. I can hardly believe it though. Maybe divine intervention as it seems too much to be a coincidence? I really do not know.
The letter you sent me was a real shock when I opened it. I had to sit down and read it 3 times to come to terms with it. In your letter you are asking me to meet you, this Saturday, on the seats opposite the Armthorpe bus stop in Town, at 12 O'clock. Saying "come alone", which sounded very ominous to me when reading it. The letter was short and to the point and signed by Lisa. But it was obviously from you as Lisa would never write to me. You were probably sat next to her dictating. Postage stamp confirms 1984. Receiving this letter was like being hit by a freight train from back in the day. It really has opened a pandora's box for me. However, receiving the letter now gives me the opportunity to say something that I simply could not say to you 41 years ago. And finally give you some closure. That is the only reason why I am replying.
I have thought about it for ages now Jane before writing back to you. And even if I had received your letter in time back in 1984, I still would not have been able to meet you, as you would have liked. I had no choice but to leave you Jane. Walking away from you was the only option you had left me with. I had heard at the time that you were bitter and angry with me, for completely disappearing from sight. No goodbye, no see you later and no closure for you. Just gone. I simply walked away. And never came back. The reason for the above Jane was that I had spent several weeks, trying to understand if I could save our relationship, but things were so bad, so toxic, that all the answers to all the questions were no. We could not go on. I had never been so badly hurt by anyone in my life, like you had hurt me. Particularly in the last few months of our relationship. You started to treat me as though you did not care about me anymore. Viewing me as just and option. Taking me for granted. And seeing me as somebody who regardless of what harm you did to me, would never leave you; would always stay in place for you to come back to me; despite how many times you were unfaithful to me. This was a monumental miscalculation on your part Jane. If you thought you could just abuse me any time you wanted, take me for granted, and sleep with whoever you liked, and then just come back to me, then you were wrong. I will explain in detail below, but this is why I walked away, and never came back.
Back then when we were dating, and for a while both completely in love with one another, I was always a decent person; naive, inexperienced, with a lot of growing up to do. But still very much in love with you. You were my world in many ways. You meant everything to me, but you treated me with such disrespect, disdain, and at times it bordered on sheer malevolence. Like you simply did not want me around anymore. And did not care how badly hurt I was; or even if I was still alive. It really did get that bad. You kept telling me you loved me, but I could find little or no evidence to back it up. In many respects, you had made the decision for me to leave. You had made it much easier for me to metaphorically pack my bags and disappear into the night. Gone. I could not believe how easy it actually was. Yes, there was still pain; but I found out that pain is the price of freedom.
What happened next you still do not know anything about. To this day you are still absolutely clueless and unaware.
So, I arranged to meet you one last time Jane. I could not tell you what was about to happen on that last day together. We would just have argued and gone home upset again. So, I did not tell you. So, I kept quiet at the Boating Lake at Kirk Sandall. We actually had a great day in the park. It was a real fun day out. So sunny. And we did not argue once. It was great. But it had all been arranged by me knowing I would never see you again to talk to. That day was our last day together and you still do not know anything about it.
I could not tell you that I was leaving you, as I stood at the bus stop waiting for your bus to take you home, back to Doncaster. I always remember your face as I kissed you for the last time. You had no idea what was about to happen. In fact, already happened. I remember it differently to you because I knew I would never be with you again. That is why I remember it in high-definition colour. Just like it happened yesterday. I remember crying all the way home. I was in a real mess to say the least. So upset.
Just a few weeks before I made the above decision to walk away and never come back, I found out about 4 different people you had recently slept with behind my back. And for the first time I had solid evidence. There was no disputing it anymore. The 1st one was your next-door neighbour, Neal. Bringing me home in a taxi one night was his dad, Ernie Painter. Ernie told me that Neil had been dating you for the last 3 weeks. Ernie only told me because he was under the impression that we had both finished months earlier. I told Ernie that impressions can be deceptive and that we were still seeing each other. Ernie could not apologise enough. He was so embarrassed. He said he would not have told me if he knew we were still dating. I told Ernie not to worry, but that he had done me a favour by telling me the truth.
The 2nd one who you cheated on me with was my work colleague from Hatfield. I saw you both at 8am in the morning opposite the Hospital leaving my friend's house. You drove right passed me in you Dad's Allegro with L-Plates on it (he was on his bike 60 seconds in front) I was stood at the bus stop 20 feet away waiting for my bus to Armthorpe. I think you must have seen me as you drove passed me. Still, I could not believe what I had just seen. But it was later confirmed by a friend in the Chace that you had been unfaithful (somebody we both knew) This was a serious betrayal of trust by you Jane. Of the worst kind.
The 3rd one was when we left the Chace one night rather Tipsy. You left me alone to go home with 2 kids? Who lived in Ingram Rd. And stayed there all night. I later found out what you let them do. It was sickening.
Fast forward a couple of years: Rotter's Night Club. The last day it was open. You bumped into my best friend at the time: Steven. Remember? The conversation quickly turned to me, as you were asking how I was doing. Steven told you that I was studying music. I later got accepted at Oxford where I studied Marxism & Economics before completing an HND in Social Sciences. Steven went onto ask if you still loved me. You studied for a while and then replied, "I still feel something for Paul". "Does Paul still hate me" you said. Steven told me he said yes, he hates you for what you did to him. You then said, "it should be me who hates Paul". But then you said something that was so untrue and somewhat delusional. You said, "tell Paul that I was always faithful to him". Stood next to Steven was someone else who you had slept with behind my back when we were dating. Ken. Steven asked you what had been going on between you and him. You then looked at Ken and said "shut up. Don't say anything". Steven came to my house the day after and told me everything Jane. Ken and one of his friends sometime later spilled the beans. You had been sleeping with him to. I was repulsed to say the least. But I already suspected so, as my Nana who lived opposite Ken had seen you going into his house one day and told my mother. Me and Steve could not understand why you would sleep with Ken? He was the ugliest kid at school and that did not change much later in life. He was the community tramp bless him. He could not get a decent GF ever. You really degraded yourself there Jane. But that was at least 4 Jane. At least 4. You are probably reading this thinking Paul did not know the half of it? And probably never will? Yes, that was true back in the day; but please note that I had factored all that in when I eventually made the decision to leave. To walk away for good.
As for telling Steven to tell me that you were always faithful to me. That could not be further from the truth. You were clearly the complete opposite to faithful Jane. Totally disloyal, deceitful, dishonest, and unfaithful to me. It really does beggar belief how many people you slept with behind my back. Maybe I was to trusting, to naive, to open or simply to honest to be with you. Should I have recognised the red flags that seem all to obvious to me now. What you practised was a monumental betrayal of trust. And now reading this Jane, I hope you can be truthful to yourself and say sorry. Not to me because it is to late; but to yourself for what you did.
Anyway, 3 days after Steven ran the above passed me; I phoned you, but your dad picked up, so I put the phone down without saying anything. Common sense prevailed. But I was not angry with you Jane. I was more concerned about you still having to lie about everything. You lived in some sort of delusional world of your own. An abstract reality that bore no resemblance to the real world; the one that most of us have to live in. If you had just said instead to Steven, tell Paul that I am sorry; I would have probably shed a tear or two, but then said thank you to you in my prayers, with a smile. However, I needed to get a message to you. So I phoned Susan. Susan picked up straight away and was initially happy to hear from me. But when I asked her, could she pass a message on to you, she went bananas. Totally ape. She said that you stole me from her; and that I left her for you. She was so angry, I thought OMG, what have I done. I said to Susan calm down; we only dated for a week. I think I kissed you only ten times. She went totally mental with both of us, saying she has never forgotten what we did to her. Eventually she calmed down. I then bumped into her in Camelot's a year later. She was fine. So happy. She said she loved my aftershave. I think that she had forgotten all about the phone call. Thank God.
One thing I never understood though Jane. Why would you hate me? I was totally faithful to you. During the 2 years we were together, I never slept with anyone else. That was absolutely true. You were my life. But look how you treated me. Despite studying Psychology and relationship breakdown, for many years after I left you, I am still at a loss as to why you were so unfaithful; and why you always came back to me; telling me that you loved me.
In the end you were not the kind of Girlfriend that was worth investing in anymore. You had become a liability and a severe embarrassment to me Jane. I am still to this day shocked that you could be so deceitful, dishonest and unfaithful to me to the extent that you were. And I will never know why? Maybe it was all a test sent to me by God himself? I have had other things test me like people saying untruthful and false things about me behind the scenes. All unofficial of course. Never had a knock on the door, or a letter in the post; but they still print things about you that are completely untrue. It is called being cancelled (Kafkaesque) And there is nothing you can do about it. The financial cost is too high. So, you walk away knowing how corrupt people and institutions are. It only ends when you die. Do not believe everything you read.
Fast forward another year. Whose taxi did I jump into coming home. Yes, Ernie's again. By this time, me and Ernie are good friends LoL. He was such a great guy. I really liked him. Anyway, Ernie started to tell me that you were on the verge of divorce with your husband. He said you were both arguing all the time and the relationship looked over and done. However, he said that you had just fallen pregnant 3 weeks earlier for the first time (I told Ernie it was the second time) He said that might bring you both closer together for the baby's sake. I hope it did Jane. But I did feel for your husband, thinking is he going through what I had to go through. All the lies and sleeping around, deception and dishonesty from you. Maybe he got smart to and moved on, just like I did? I do not know. All I know is that I made a decision that maybe saved my life. I escaped Hell but by the narrowest of margins.
I found out later in my life, it is knowing when to let go. And stop letting how much you care dictate what you can tolerate. See I did not walk away because I did not care. I walked away because you did not care. And that is what I refused to tolerate any more. I kept trying to fix things; problems you had created. I was trapped between loving you and some kind of emotional slavery. All this I had to do alone, because you would not talk to me about things. All I got was silence when I asked you to talk. You used silence to avoid answering questions; knowing you would lose the argument. You did it all the time. But eventually you ran out of time. So, I did something you thought I would not, or could not do, I walked away and have never spoken to you since.
In the final weeks before I left you, you started to treat me so badly. Unfaithful, dishonest, deceitful, and just cruel. You also started to become angry, aggressive and violent. I remember you attacking me in that night club. Hitting me in the face before Neal pulled you away. Then as I was trying to leave, you were waiting for me. I could not even escape lol. It was crazy. Then you followed me outside after I got thrown out. I wish you had just stayed in the night club Jane. Because I then hit you. I will regret that for the rest of my life. I am so sorry. I really am. And then to make matters worse you decided to press charges against me? I got a Pound 100 fine which was the bare minimum they could give me. I was told by my solicitor, that if I wanted to press charges against you, I could. And that your fine would have been much higher than my one because you started the entire fight. But why would I want to do that to my Girlfriend? That has stayed on my DBS forever. As you know, I work in Social Work (Care Management) so every time I start a new Locum CM post somewhere, I must, if approached at interview, talk about that Pound 100 fine. From Edinburgh to Dorset, they know all about Miss Thompson lol. I told them all about you. Your famous. Very famous. See I cannot escape you. You follow me to every interview lol. It is so funny. Now this letter of yours shows up. It is mental. Crazy. Really is! If I did not know any better, I would think that you had planned it all? But I know you have not.
Then of course there was that day I was coming home from work. As I walked down Broadway going home; there you were waiting to ambush me with Nick. You just wanted to fight. You were so angry. But why? I told you it was over; that we were not dating anymore and that you can do whatever you want, as I do not care. At that point you went to hit me again, but Nick pulled you away just in time. Nick told me a few days later that you said you would let him screw you if he beat me up! You later admitted to it. You usually lied to me but on this occasion, you said yes you did.
But what I remember most about the encounter that day, was as I turned and walked away from you, just after you had tried to hit me, and being no further than 5 yards away; you shouted at me with such shear hatred, vileness and anger, that everyone in the street could hear you. It was like you were possessed by the devil himself. In the 2 years we were together, in the 2 years that we were both lovers, I had never seen that side of you. Not ever. Maybe it was because you could see me slowly starting to move away from you. Slowly disengaging, before the big walk. And for the first time ever, you were no longer in control of the narrative. You were no longer in control of the relationship. I was. Maybe that is where the anger and violence came from. But that encounter did help me come to the pivotal decision that I made later on. That it was time to end this farce and walk away. And walk away for good.
About 8 weeks after I finally left you, strange things started to happen. You started to realise that I had really left you; and went into panic mode. I could not believe it. I was watching and getting feedback from a variety of people. Several were telling me that you were coming to the Chace, miles away from where you lived, with some guys in a yellow car and asking for me. One friend said you tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Where is Paul". I saw him the day after outside the local shop. He told me all about it. You were also seen in the Abbey looking for me. Of course, I now know why. I have studied some Psychology of relationship breakdown over the years, to now know what was happening to you. What was going through your head at that time. The basic Psychology of: Shock, Denial, Panic and Self Doubt. You were thrown into turmoil by something you never expected would ever happen to you. Me leaving you. Walking away. Turning myself into a ghost. Never to be seen again.
Because I had walked away from you in absolute silence, and not the other way around; the void and absence I created was driving you spare. My silence and disappearing act were the loudest signals that you had ever received from me in the 2 years that we were together, but your reaction of trying to re-connect with me was a real surprise. I never expected that. I thought that you would just let me go, but you did not. Instead, you came after me. Trying to find me. Writing letters to me. Why? Did you honestly think that I would never find out about your monumental acts of betrayal? Of course I would eventually find out. Of course. Goes without saying Jane. Right?
So, alongside the Shock, Denial, Panic and Self Doubt; was it Confusion, Regret, Anger or Love that had driven you to come looking for me? Difficult to say what you were thinking and feeling back then. That said I was also told that you looked on edge in the Chace. Whether you were coming to the Chace looking to cause trouble with me, in an attempt to win the emotional tug-of-war; or wanting to say sorry to me and make up? I do not know (I suspect the former based upon your previous behaviour weeks earlier) Either way I changed all my social habits and movements for nearly 6 months to avoid you. Including not shopping around town on Saturday. You never thought in a million years I had the mental strength and confidence to do that. Yet again you made a major miscalculation Jane. Sometimes it is better to face the truth, that you might be better off alone.
Maybe that was the same time you posted that letter to me? The one I have now. It would not have made any difference Jane. The letter only specifies a time and date, and nothing else except "come alone". If on the other hand you had written me a letter saying that you were so sorry for everything and let's start again. And that you wanted to meet me to talk; to sort things out. And you had the courage to write the letter and sign it yourself, instead of getting Lisa to do it, then I may have done. I may have turned up to talk. I just do not know. I will never know.
You were also seen stood in a shop doorway at 11am on a Saturday morning waiting near my bank for me. I used to meet you there some weeks to draw out my wages. Actually, same time every week. However, that job I had ended weeks earlier, so I had no reason to go into town anymore. Otherwise, you would have seen me. Would it have changed anything though? As throughout this letter, probably not. Your personality traits of dishonesty, deceit and unfaithfulness were hard wired into you DNA Jane. There was no changing you. That is why I walked away and never looked back. And we have never talked since.
One last thing Jane before I go. Could you please do something for us both. For all 3 of us. Please could you pray for that child we lost. For our baby we let pass away. What we did was so bad and so wrong. I know that now. An unborn child has only 2 people that can fight for its right to live. That is its mother and Father. You and Me. I would never blame you though Jane. I take full responsibility for that child's life and what happened. I should have been far more assertive with us both to keep Him or Her. I could have raised the baby myself. My family would have supported me. I will never live that down. If only there was a grave where we could take flowers and pray. If only there was a headstone with a name upon it. I think about it so often now; in a way I never use to. It is like I am being punished for ending that child's life. If He or She was alive today, they would be 42. Maybe lighting up the world; touching people's hearts. If the baby was born a Girl, then I already know Her name. It would be Charlotte. You used to love that name. You told me so many times on the bus going home. The older I get, the worse the pain is. I pray all the time now for that unborn child's sole. I pray for us both to be forgiven. You need to pray to Jane. It could help so much.
Receiving your letter from all those years ago has been a shock for me. You reading this letter has probably been a shock for you to. I thought about writing back for months, but it seemed totally mental. But it felt like someone, or something was wanting me to write back to explain what happened back then. It was like I was being given an opportunity for atonement. But why? Do I not have long left to live? In the end I thought OMG just write back. After all, you never did know exactly why I left you. You had no idea that I knew all the above (Unless Ernie told you. And I don't think he did) How could you know. I did not even tell my mum. I kept it all to myself. So now you know. You know it all. Why I left you. Why I walked away.
I will say goodbye now Jane. I really do wish you well, and I really mean that. You were an enormous part of my life back then, and I hope you can still say the same about me. We both have lots of good memories, but some bad ones to. However, life is very, very short. I am 60 (a very young one though) and you are 60 in December. Whatever years we have left I hope they can be filled with happiness and prosperity for both of us. I will pray for you and your family. Please look after yourself Jane. And thanks for the letter. Albeit a little late.
Paul
X
XXX
XXXX
Ps, I thought about giving you my email address Jane. Just in case you wanted to respond. But I don't want to argue with you. I really don't. If I thought you had changed and could be civil and honest, then talking would be great. It really would. But I just don't know if you have made that change over the years? I can't take the chance. Plus, you may have family dynamics that make it difficult for you. I understand.
XX
Acknowledgements
Between visiting the disused Library where I live, and the Chapel where I go to pray, it was as if a seed had been planted into my head to share this story. Not just as a planned letter of reply, but now as a Short Story. It was as if something else was writing it all for me. The words and explanations just kept flowing. Page after page. It really does feel like an act of atonement for me. Especially regarding our unborn child, the one we abandoned. The one we let die. I hope we can both be forgiven for what we did back then. If I could just take back time for that one event in my life; and change it. I would. I am so sorry. I really am.
So, the words and pages just kept writing themselves. To what cost, I do not yet know. Mentioning the name Jane is like an actor mentioning the name of Macbeth. Tragedy and betrayal are soon to follow. So, Jane if you are reading this, please go easy on me. Please.
The following authors and their writings helped me so much in having the courage and confidence to put pen to paper and complete this Short Story. Without them there would only be silence. I am so grateful.
1) My greatest inspiration for writing this Short Story, was the great author and existentialist writer Fyodor Dostoyevsky and his book "Notes from the Underground".
2) Professor Jordan Peterson's great work "12 Rules for Life. An Antidote for Chaos" & "Beyond Order".
3) And Yeonmi Park's books "In Order to Live" & "While Time Remains". A North Korean defector's search for freedom.
In The End It Was Worth All The Tears. And There Were Many.
I Thank You All So Much
God Bless You All
Paul Boardman
Published 2025
A letter from the Void
A Short-Story by: Paul Boardman
A True Story about a bitter relationship breakdown of 2 Teenagers from England back in 1984. And then 41 years later a letter posted by Jane to Paul in 1984 finally arrives. Finally shows up.
41 years too late.
You are about to read his reply:
Dear Jane.
Hope this letter finds you well and in good health.
Can I recommend that you find somewhere private and alone to read this letter Jane. It is extremely personal and private. I do not wish to cause either of us any trouble; I had enough of that 41 years ago.
Yes, it is me, Paul. Your X Boyfriend and Lover! From many years ago now.
I have to say first, that it almost defies belief that after 41 years, I am writing this letter to you. I am doing so because something quite unbelievable just recently happened. I can hardly believe it myself. Many months ago, I received a letter from you dated 1984. That was 41 years ago almost to the day. I am still in shock to say the least. I hear of things like this happening to other people; but rarely does anything like this happen to me. So, over the past several months, I have been puzzling whether I should or could respond. Respond it is.
When you posted the letter back in 1984 you posted it to the correct address; the old house on Broadway where you had been to see me many times. However, the letter you posted to me came through the letter box into an empty house, as we had all moved out to a new property not too far away in Hatfield (several months earlier) I am told the old house was empty for about 3 months before a new couple moved in. At which point there was a stack of letters on the floor that never got re-directed to us. One letter for me was from you. Anyway, the new owners were not local, and did not know anyone in the area; but found someone who knew me who just lived a few hundred yards away and gave them my letters; with the intention they would eventually bump into me and thus give me them. This never happened though, and they did not know where we had moved to. It's a long story. Suffice to say that they kept my mail on trust and safeguarded it, until they saw me. But with me going to college and then University, then elsewhere after that, they simply did not see me; like ever! They eventually moved house themselves, which did not help. But kept my mail in a draw for me in the hope they would one day see me. To cut a long story short, they eventually bumped into me just after the Covid lockdown ended, as I was back in Doncaster. A place I have rarely lived prior to Covid (I mostly work all over the UK for Social Work agencies as a Care Manager, either for the NHS or Local Authorities)
I now have your letter. I can hardly believe it though. Maybe divine intervention as it seems too much to be a coincidence? I really do not know.
The letter you sent me was a real shock when I opened it. I had to sit down and read it 3 times to come to terms with it. In your letter you are asking me to meet you, this Saturday, on the seats opposite the Armthorpe bus stop in Town, at 12 O'clock. Saying "come alone", which sounded very ominous to me when reading it. The letter was short and to the point and signed by Lisa. But it was obviously from you as Lisa would never write to me. You were probably sat next to her dictating. Postage stamp confirms 1984. Receiving this letter was like being hit by a freight train from back in the day. It really has opened a pandora's box for me. However, receiving the letter now gives me the opportunity to say something that I simply could not say to you 41 years ago. And finally give you some closure. That is the only reason why I am replying.
I have thought about it for ages now Jane before writing back to you. And even if I had received your letter in time back in 1984, I still would not have been able to meet you, as you would have liked. I had no choice but to leave you Jane. Walking away from you was the only option you had left me with. I had heard at the time that you were bitter and angry with me, for completely disappearing from sight. No goodbye, no see you later and no closure for you. Just gone. I simply walked away. And never came back. The reason for the above Jane was that I had spent several weeks, trying to understand if I could save our relationship, but things were so bad, so toxic, that all the answers to all the questions were no. We could not go on. I had never been so badly hurt by anyone in my life, like you had hurt me. Particularly in the last few months of our relationship. You started to treat me as though you did not care about me anymore. Viewing me as just and option. Taking me for granted. And seeing me as somebody who regardless of what harm you did to me, would never leave you; would always stay in place for you to come back to me; despite how many times you were unfaithful to me. This was a monumental miscalculation on your part Jane. If you thought you could just abuse me any time you wanted, take me for granted, and sleep with whoever you liked, and then just come back to me, then you were wrong. I will explain in detail below, but this is why I walked away, and never came back.
Back then when we were dating, and for a while both completely in love with one another, I was always a decent person; naive, inexperienced, with a lot of growing up to do. But still very much in love with you. You were my world in many ways. You meant everything to me, but you treated me with such disrespect, disdain, and at times it bordered on sheer malevolence. Like you simply did not want me around anymore. And did not care how badly hurt I was; or even if I was still alive. It really did get that bad. You kept telling me you loved me, but I could find little or no evidence to back it up. In many respects, you had made the decision for me to leave. You had made it much easier for me to metaphorically pack my bags and disappear into the night. Gone. I could not believe how easy it actually was. Yes, there was still pain; but I found out that pain is the price of freedom.
What happened next you still do not know anything about. To this day you are still absolutely clueless and unaware.
So, I arranged to meet you one last time Jane. I could not tell you what was about to happen on that last day together. We would just have argued and gone home upset again. So, I did not tell you. So, I kept quiet at the Boating Lake at Kirk Sandall. We actually had a great day in the park. It was a real fun day out. So sunny. And we did not argue once. It was great. But it had all been arranged by me knowing I would never see you again to talk to. That day was our last day together and you still do not know anything about it.
I could not tell you that I was leaving you, as I stood at the bus stop waiting for your bus to take you home, back to Doncaster. I always remember your face as I kissed you for the last time. You had no idea what was about to happen. In fact, already happened. I remember it differently to you because I knew I would never be with you again. That is why I remember it in high-definition colour. Just like it happened yesterday. I remember crying all the way home. I was in a real mess to say the least. So upset.
Just a few weeks before I made the above decision to walk away and never come back, I found out about 4 different people you had recently slept with behind my back. And for the first time I had solid evidence. There was no disputing it anymore. The 1st one was your next-door neighbour, Neal. Bringing me home in a taxi one night was his dad, Ernie Painter. Ernie told me that Neil had been dating you for the last 3 weeks. Ernie only told me because he was under the impression that we had both finished months earlier. I told Ernie that impressions can be deceptive and that we were still seeing each other. Ernie could not apologise enough. He was so embarrassed. He said he would not have told me if he knew we were still dating. I told Ernie not to worry, but that he had done me a favour by telling me the truth.
The 2nd one who you cheated on me with was my work colleague from Hatfield. I saw you both at 8am in the morning opposite the Hospital leaving my friend's house. You drove right passed me in you Dad's Allegro with L-Plates on it (he was on his bike 60 seconds in front) I was stood at the bus stop 20 feet away waiting for my bus to Armthorpe. I think you must have seen me as you drove passed me. Still, I could not believe what I had just seen. But it was later confirmed by a friend in the Chace that you had been unfaithful (somebody we both knew) This was a serious betrayal of trust by you Jane. Of the worst kind.
The 3rd one was when we left the Chace one night rather Tipsy. You left me alone to go home with 2 kids? Who lived in Ingram Rd. And stayed there all night. I later found out what you let them do. It was sickening.
Fast forward a couple of years: Rotter's Night Club. The last day it was open. You bumped into my best friend at the time: Steven. Remember? The conversation quickly turned to me, as you were asking how I was doing. Steven told you that I was studying music. I later got accepted at Oxford where I studied Marxism & Economics before completing an HND in Social Sciences. Steven went onto ask if you still loved me. You studied for a while and then replied, "I still feel something for Paul". "Does Paul still hate me" you said. Steven told me he said yes, he hates you for what you did to him. You then said, "it should be me who hates Paul". But then you said something that was so untrue and somewhat delusional. You said, "tell Paul that I was always faithful to him". Stood next to Steven was someone else who you had slept with behind my back when we were dating. Ken. Steven asked you what had been going on between you and him. You then looked at Ken and said "shut up. Don't say anything". Steven came to my house the day after and told me everything Jane. Ken and one of his friends sometime later spilled the beans. You had been sleeping with him to. I was repulsed to say the least. But I already suspected so, as my Nana who lived opposite Ken had seen you going into his house one day and told my mother. Me and Steve could not understand why you would sleep with Ken? He was the ugliest kid at school and that did not change much later in life. He was the community tramp bless him. He could not get a decent GF ever. You really degraded yourself there Jane. But that was at least 4 Jane. At least 4. You are probably reading this thinking Paul did not know the half of it? And probably never will? Yes, that was true back in the day; but please note that I had factored all that in when I eventually made the decision to leave. To walk away for good.
As for telling Steven to tell me that you were always faithful to me. That could not be further from the truth. You were clearly the complete opposite to faithful Jane. Totally disloyal, deceitful, dishonest, and unfaithful to me. It really does beggar belief how many people you slept with behind my back. Maybe I was to trusting, to naive, to open or simply to honest to be with you. Should I have recognised the red flags that seem all to obvious to me now. What you practised was a monumental betrayal of trust. And now reading this Jane, I hope you can be truthful to yourself and say sorry. Not to me because it is to late; but to yourself for what you did.
Anyway, 3 days after Steven ran the above passed me; I phoned you, but your dad picked up, so I put the phone down without saying anything. Common sense prevailed. But I was not angry with you Jane. I was more concerned about you still having to lie about everything. You lived in some sort of delusional world of your own. An abstract reality that bore no resemblance to the real world; the one that most of us have to live in. If you had just said instead to Steven, tell Paul that I am sorry; I would have probably shed a tear or two, but then said thank you to you in my prayers, with a smile. However, I needed to get a message to you. So I phoned Susan. Susan picked up straight away and was initially happy to hear from me. But when I asked her, could she pass a message on to you, she went bananas. Totally ape. She said that you stole me from her; and that I left her for you. She was so angry, I thought OMG, what have I done. I said to Susan calm down; we only dated for a week. I think I kissed you only ten times. She went totally mental with both of us, saying she has never forgotten what we did to her. Eventually she calmed down. I then bumped into her in Camelot's a year later. She was fine. So happy. She said she loved my aftershave. I think that she had forgotten all about the phone call. Thank God.
One thing I never understood though Jane. Why would you hate me? I was totally faithful to you. During the 2 years we were together, I never slept with anyone else. That was absolutely true. You were my life. But look how you treated me. Despite studying Psychology and relationship breakdown, for many years after I left you, I am still at a loss as to why you were so unfaithful; and why you always came back to me; telling me that you loved me.
In the end you were not the kind of Girlfriend that was worth investing in anymore. You had become a liability and a severe embarrassment to me Jane. I am still to this day shocked that you could be so deceitful, dishonest and unfaithful to me to the extent that you were. And I will never know why? Maybe it was all a test sent to me by God himself? I have had other things test me like people saying untruthful and false things about me behind the scenes. All unofficial of course. Never had a knock on the door, or a letter in the post; but they still print things about you that are completely untrue. It is called being cancelled (Kafkaesque) And there is nothing you can do about it. The financial cost is too high. So, you walk away knowing how corrupt people and institutions are. It only ends when you die. Do not believe everything you read.
Fast forward another year. Whose taxi did I jump into coming home. Yes, Ernie's again. By this time, me and Ernie are good friends LoL. He was such a great guy. I really liked him. Anyway, Ernie started to tell me that you were on the verge of divorce with your husband. He said you were both arguing all the time and the relationship looked over and done. However, he said that you had just fallen pregnant 3 weeks earlier for the first time (I told Ernie it was the second time) He said that might bring you both closer together for the baby's sake. I hope it did Jane. But I did feel for your husband, thinking is he going through what I had to go through. All the lies and sleeping around, deception and dishonesty from you. Maybe he got smart to and moved on, just like I did? I do not know. All I know is that I made a decision that maybe saved my life. I escaped Hell but by the narrowest of margins.
I found out later in my life, it is knowing when to let go. And stop letting how much you care dictate what you can tolerate. See I did not walk away because I did not care. I walked away because you did not care. And that is what I refused to tolerate any more. I kept trying to fix things; problems you had created. I was trapped between loving you and some kind of emotional slavery. All this I had to do alone, because you would not talk to me about things. All I got was silence when I asked you to talk. You used silence to avoid answering questions; knowing you would lose the argument. You did it all the time. But eventually you ran out of time. So, I did something you thought I would not, or could not do, I walked away and have never spoken to you since.
In the final weeks before I left you, you started to treat me so badly. Unfaithful, dishonest, deceitful, and just cruel. You also started to become angry, aggressive and violent. I remember you attacking me in that night club. Hitting me in the face before Neal pulled you away. Then as I was trying to leave, you were waiting for me. I could not even escape lol. It was crazy. Then you followed me outside after I got thrown out. I wish you had just stayed in the night club Jane. Because I then hit you. I will regret that for the rest of my life. I am so sorry. I really am. And then to make matters worse you decided to press charges against me? I got a Pound 100 fine which was the bare minimum they could give me. I was told by my solicitor, that if I wanted to press charges against you, I could. And that your fine would have been much higher than my one because you started the entire fight. But why would I want to do that to my Girlfriend? That has stayed on my DBS forever. As you know, I work in Social Work (Care Management) so every time I start a new Locum CM post somewhere, I must, if approached at interview, talk about that Pound 100 fine. From Edinburgh to Dorset, they know all about Miss Thompson lol. I told them all about you. Your famous. Very famous. See I cannot escape you. You follow me to every interview lol. It is so funny. Now this letter of yours shows up. It is mental. Crazy. Really is! If I did not know any better, I would think that you had planned it all? But I know you have not.
Then of course there was that day I was coming home from work. As I walked down Broadway going home; there you were waiting to ambush me with Nick. You just wanted to fight. You were so angry. But why? I told you it was over; that we were not dating anymore and that you can do whatever you want, as I do not care. At that point you went to hit me again, but Nick pulled you away just in time. Nick told me a few days later that you said you would let him screw you if he beat me up! You later admitted to it. You usually lied to me but on this occasion, you said yes you did.
But what I remember most about the encounter that day, was as I turned and walked away from you, just after you had tried to hit me, and being no further than 5 yards away; you shouted at me with such shear hatred, vileness and anger, that everyone in the street could hear you. It was like you were possessed by the devil himself. In the 2 years we were together, in the 2 years that we were both lovers, I had never seen that side of you. Not ever. Maybe it was because you could see me slowly starting to move away from you. Slowly disengaging, before the big walk. And for the first time ever, you were no longer in control of the narrative. You were no longer in control of the relationship. I was. Maybe that is where the anger and violence came from. But that encounter did help me come to the pivotal decision that I made later on. That it was time to end this farce and walk away. And walk away for good.
About 8 weeks after I finally left you, strange things started to happen. You started to realise that I had really left you; and went into panic mode. I could not believe it. I was watching and getting feedback from a variety of people. Several were telling me that you were coming to the Chace, miles away from where you lived, with some guys in a yellow car and asking for me. One friend said you tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Where is Paul". I saw him the day after outside the local shop. He told me all about it. You were also seen in the Abbey looking for me. Of course, I now know why. I have studied some Psychology of relationship breakdown over the years, to now know what was happening to you. What was going through your head at that time. The basic Psychology of: Shock, Denial, Panic and Self Doubt. You were thrown into turmoil by something you never expected would ever happen to you. Me leaving you. Walking away. Turning myself into a ghost. Never to be seen again.
Because I had walked away from you in absolute silence, and not the other way around; the void and absence I created was driving you spare. My silence and disappearing act were the loudest signals that you had ever received from me in the 2 years that we were together, but your reaction of trying to re-connect with me was a real surprise. I never expected that. I thought that you would just let me go, but you did not. Instead, you came after me. Trying to find me. Writing letters to me. Why? Did you honestly think that I would never find out about your monumental acts of betrayal? Of course I would eventually find out. Of course. Goes without saying Jane. Right?
So, alongside the Shock, Denial, Panic and Self Doubt; was it Confusion, Regret, Anger or Love that had driven you to come looking for me? Difficult to say what you were thinking and feeling back then. That said I was also told that you looked on edge in the Chace. Whether you were coming to the Chace looking to cause trouble with me, in an attempt to win the emotional tug-of-war; or wanting to say sorry to me and make up? I do not know (I suspect the former based upon your previous behaviour weeks earlier) Either way I changed all my social habits and movements for nearly 6 months to avoid you. Including not shopping around town on Saturday. You never thought in a million years I had the mental strength and confidence to do that. Yet again you made a major miscalculation Jane. Sometimes it is better to face the truth, that you might be better off alone.
Maybe that was the same time you posted that letter to me? The one I have now. It would not have made any difference Jane. The letter only specifies a time and date, and nothing else except "come alone". If on the other hand you had written me a letter saying that you were so sorry for everything and let's start again. And that you wanted to meet me to talk; to sort things out. And you had the courage to write the letter and sign it yourself, instead of getting Lisa to do it, then I may have done. I may have turned up to talk. I just do not know. I will never know.
You were also seen stood in a shop doorway at 11am on a Saturday morning waiting near my bank for me. I used to meet you there some weeks to draw out my wages. Actually, same time every week. However, that job I had ended weeks earlier, so I had no reason to go into town anymore. Otherwise, you would have seen me. Would it have changed anything though? As throughout this letter, probably not. Your personality traits of dishonesty, deceit and unfaithfulness were hard wired into you DNA Jane. There was no changing you. That is why I walked away and never looked back. And we have never talked since.
One last thing Jane before I go. Could you please do something for us both. For all 3 of us. Please could you pray for that child we lost. For our baby we let pass away. What we did was so bad and so wrong. I know that now. An unborn child has only 2 people that can fight for its right to live. That is its mother and Father. You and Me. I would never blame you though Jane. I take full responsibility for that child's life and what happened. I should have been far more assertive with us both to keep Him or Her. I could have raised the baby myself. My family would have supported me. I will never live that down. If only there was a grave where we could take flowers and pray. If only there was a headstone with a name upon it. I think about it so often now; in a way I never use to. It is like I am being punished for ending that child's life. If He or She was alive today, they would be 42. Maybe lighting up the world; touching people's hearts. If the baby was born a Girl, then I already know Her name. It would be Charlotte. You used to love that name. You told me so many times on the bus going home. The older I get, the worse the pain is. I pray all the time now for that unborn child's sole. I pray for us both to be forgiven. You need to pray to Jane. It could help so much.
Receiving your letter from all those years ago has been a shock for me. You reading this letter has probably been a shock for you to. I thought about writing back for months, but it seemed totally mental. But it felt like someone, or something was wanting me to write back to explain what happened back then. It was like I was being given an opportunity for atonement. But why? Do I not have long left to live? In the end I thought OMG just write back. After all, you never did know exactly why I left you. You had no idea that I knew all the above (Unless Ernie told you. And I don't think he did) How could you know. I did not even tell my mum. I kept it all to myself. So now you know. You know it all. Why I left you. Why I walked away.
I will say goodbye now Jane. I really do wish you well, and I really mean that. You were an enormous part of my life back then, and I hope you can still say the same about me. We both have lots of good memories, but some bad ones to. However, life is very, very short. I am 60 (a very young one though) and you are 60 in December. Whatever years we have left I hope they can be filled with happiness and prosperity for both of us. I will pray for you and your family. Please look after yourself Jane. And thanks for the letter. Albeit a little late.
Paul
X
XXX
XXXX
Ps, I thought about giving you my email address Jane. Just in case you wanted to respond. But I don't want to argue with you. I really don't. If I thought you had changed and could be civil and honest, then talking would be great. It really would. But I just don't know if you have made that change over the years? I can't take the chance. Plus, you may have family dynamics that make it difficult for you. I understand.
XX
Acknowledgements
Between visiting the disused Library where I live, and the Chapel where I go to pray, it was as if a seed had been planted into my head to share this story. Not just as a planned letter of reply, but now as a Short Story. It was as if something else was writing it all for me. The words and explanations just kept flowing. Page after page. It really does feel like an act of atonement for me. Especially regarding our unborn child, the one we abandoned. The one we let die. I hope we can both be forgiven for what we did back then. If I could just take back time for that one event in my life; and change it. I would. I am so sorry. I really am.
So, the words and pages just kept writing themselves. To what cost, I do not yet know. Mentioning the name Jane is like an actor mentioning the name of Macbeth. Tragedy and betrayal are soon to follow. So, Jane if you are reading this, please go easy on me. Please.
The following authors and their writings helped me so much in having the courage and confidence to put pen to paper and complete this Short Story. Without them there would only be silence. I am so grateful.
1) My greatest inspiration for writing this Short Story, was the great author and existentialist writer Fyodor Dostoyevsky and his book "Notes from the Underground".
2) Professor Jordan Peterson's great work "12 Rules for Life. An Antidote for Chaos" & "Beyond Order".
3) And Yeonmi Park's books "In Order to Live" & "While Time Remains". A North Korean defector's search for freedom.
In The End It Was Worth All The Tears. And There Were Many.
I Thank You All So Much
God Bless You All
Paul Boardman
Published 2025
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