Jack walked down the street in a sharp suit, enjoying a rare night to himself. After years of bad luck with women, he had decided to give romance a break and instead catch a film at an independent theater. As he debated between Apocalypse Now and Phantom of the Opera, a woman suddenly grabbed his arm.

Startled, he turned to her. "Um, can I help you?" he asked, confusion in his voice.

She clung to him as if they were lovers. A quick glance revealed her brown hair, expertly groomed, perfumed, and styled for a night out. She wore a skirt, high heels, a stylish blouse, and carried a red purse. Smiling, she said, "Finally, you're here for our date, Greg."

"My name's not Greg - it's Jack," he corrected, irritation creeping into his tone.

"Play along, Jack," she whispered urgently, scanning the street nervously. "There's a creepy stalker who won't leave me alone. He reeks so badly you can smell him a mile away. I swear he's here right now."

Curious, Jack sniffed the air. Instead of the usual city scents, he caught a whiff of something horrendous - a mix of manure, weed, rotting milk, and unwashed filth. Gagging, he recoiled. "Jesus Christ! That's the worst thing I've ever smelled!"

"That's Eugene," she said with disgust. "A filthy neckbeard who refuses to take care of himself."

"And why drag me into this?" he asked.

"Because I need a fake boyfriend to scare him off. Plus, you smell nice? and you're kinda cute," she added with a smirk. "By the way, I'm Jessica."

Jack sighed. "Fine. But if I'm playing your boyfriend, you're coming with me to a movie. Apocalypse Now or Phantom of the Opera?"

Her eyes lit up. "I love Marlon Brando - let's see Apocalypse Now!"

They watched the film and found they had a lot in common. Afterward, they grabbed dinner at a steakhouse Jack had reserved. Jessica remained watchful for Eugene, but as the night went on, she felt safer next to Jack. Their conversation flowed easily, and Jack found he enjoyed her company.

At the end of the night, outside her apartment, Jessica hesitated. "Would you mind staying over? I still don't feel safe."

Jack nodded. "Sure."

Inside, a golden retriever greeted Jessica with excitement before turning to Jack. He instinctively knelt to pet the dog, reminded of his childhood pet.

"Looks like Rufus likes you," Jessica said, pleased. "I'm heading to bed. Feel free to use the couch. See you in the morning!"

Jack settled in with Rufus and watched TV. A few hours later, the same rancid stench filled the air. Rufus growled. The apartment door burst open, revealing a severely obese man wielding a sledgehammer. His greasy, unkempt hair was caked with filth, and his rotting teeth could send a dentist screaming. His clothes were covered in stains of questionable origin.

"Get the hell out, Eugene! I have the cops on speed dial, and if you take one more step, it's back to the psych ward!" Jessica shouted.

Eugene sneered. "Our love can't be stopped, Jessica."

Jack stepped forward. "Listen, Skunk Ape, get lost before we have a problem."

Eugene's face twisted into a grin. "Oh, we're gonna have a problem, Chad." He pulled out a gun.

Jack's heart pounded. Thinking fast, he grabbed an aerosol can and a lighter from the table. He flicked the lighter on, pressed the can's nozzle, and unleashed a fireball at Eugene.

Screaming, Eugene flailed as his filth-covered clothes caught fire. In agony, he crashed through the apartment's window and plummeted toward the ocean below. As he hit the water, he thrashed wildly - then froze.

Jack called 911 and explained the situation to the operator, but before he could respond, he was caught off guard by an unexpected event.

"Oh my God!" Jack exclaimed. "A shark just attacked him!"

"I'm sorry, what?" the 911 operator asked when Jack called.

"Yeah? he caught fire, jumped into the ocean, and now a shark is eating him."

"Sir, I need you to repeat that."

"Long story," Jack sighed.

Police, firefighters, and paramedics arrived, confirming Eugene's gruesome demise. After the chaos died down, Jack and Jessica sat together on the couch, finally able to breathe.

Jack smirked. "So? are you free next week?"

Jessica smiled. "I am."

They shared a kiss as Rufus wagged his tail approvingly.