The droning sound of crickets and cicadas filled my head as I lay atop my old, lumpy brown sleeping bag. The darkness inside my small tent somehow amplified the sounds of nature outside. Soon, I was lulled to sleep.

Even in a state of deep slumber, I slowly became aware of a piercing white-blue light that shined eerily through the thick fabric of my tent. The intensity of the light was such that it invaded my subconsciousness. Abruptly, but quietly, I sat up. My eyes strained to adapt to the now fully illuminated interior of the tent.

The realization that someone had discovered my campground and was intentionally lighting my tent sent shivers through my body. The light was not going away; on the contrary, it was becoming brighter with each passing breath I took.

As often happens in unfamiliar situations, human nature takes over; thoughts become flooded with possible scenarios of lost hunters and search parties. Maybe it was the police searching for escaped convicts?

Growing more potent by the second, my anxiety overwhelmed me. The need to know what was happening and who was behind it was more than I could withstand. I had to take action!

Pushing aside the flap to the tent entrance, I jumped out and stood there, frozen in shock. There, in front of me, was a real flying saucer! I watched as it silently landed in the meadow where I had set up camp. Then a door opened, and a ramp rolled out just like in those old black and white UFO movies. A second later, I heard what sounded like a loud chainsaw, and then I saw it! Bigfoot came flying down the ramp on a Yamaha dirt bike!

He came right at me full throttle, obviously intent on running me over. But I've watched a WWE match or two and have picked up some moves. Gathering all the courage that I could summon, I leaped right at him! He was huge, hairy, and much stronger than me, but I knocked him off that Yamaha dirt bike! We became locked into a life-or-death battle!

I had him in a solid choke hold and could see the consciousness leaving the beast. Then, out of nowhere, Mrs. Bigfoot whopped me on the back of my head with my cast iron camp skillet and knocked me out.

I woke up inside of the spaceship, strapped down to an elevated, cold table. Many Bigfoots were in the room, and several of them held tools or instruments that were unknown to me. I was the subject of an examination! Aware that I was awake, a small Bigfoot shoved what looked like a can of shaving cream inches from my face. As its hairy finger pushed down on the top of the can, I was saturated with their strangely yellow colored sleeping fog that smelled of sardines. Immediately, my field of vision narrowed. The last thing I could see before going under was the face of the smaller Bigfoot.

When I awakened again, the sun was shining high above me, its warmth radiating upon my face. Next to me lay several empty mason jars. Slowly, I realized that I was safe, and by my moonshine still that I kept hidden next to my mushroom patch. True story.