September 1989.

Lebanon was still engulfed in war. Bombardments every day, shells falling on the people over residential areas, exploding cars in random locations, cars being stolen, multi-missile launchers spreading their rockets on residential areas. All these and much more were everyday occurrences in Lebanon.

People were stuck wherever they were and barely moved to other areas. They would only come out to buy food, that is if they found it in grocery stores. How people made money in those days was a puzzle. Those who owned shops would sell whatever they had or whatever the wholesale food companies distributed at high risk. No one spent more than the minimum required. Everybody tried to save their reserved money for emergencies.

Electricity was non-existent, water barely reached the apartments as most of the underground water network was damaged and there was no pressure from the water stations. The education system was not functioning. Chaos reigned everywhere and people were hopeless with no prospect for the future.

In this chaotic situation, news spread that people were going to Cyprus by sea to try their luck in obtaining visas to other western countries. As the only international Lebanese airport was closed and foreign embassies did not function in Lebanon, this option gave hope to many. Some who had more money, thought of going to Cyprus and living there for a while until the situation calmed in Lebanon. But others already had foreign passports. These were the ones who were leaving the country for good.

As I think back now and compare with the neighboring Syrian war, the Syrians had the choice to go as refugees to other countries, but we, the Lebanese, did not! Maybe the times were different, or the politics was different, or maybe the big powerful countries or our religious leaders did not want toempty Lebanon from Christians. No one knows exactly the reasons. During the Lebanese war, the Internet was still not widespread over the world, and media coverage was limited. So many people around the world did not even know how desperate the situation was in Lebanon and how the people suffered and feared with their lives every day. But during the Syrian war, there was the Internet and all the world heard about it.

It was at this time when I decided to go to Cyprus.

I had the price of the ticket but not much to live there for a while. Talking to my aunt in Canada, it was arranged that I would just reach Cyprus, and then she would send money to me while I was there. The plan was to get out of Lebanon and try to obtain a Canadian or a US visa if possible. I knew that there was not much hope as we already heard that most of the applications were being rejected!

So I went to buy the ticket to Cyprus by sea.

At the travel agency, they explained the situation.

We were to buy tickets on a Cypriot ferry which was not going to pick us up at the port because it was dangerous. All ships approaching and entering the Lebanese waters were being bombarded from the mountains! The opposing military party was not allowing any ships to draw near the Lebanese shores because they knew that tons of guns, rockets, and all types of explosive material were entering the country and were picked up by the other military side.

So the travel agency had agreed with owners of foreign boats to carry the passengers at night, in the dark, from the port into the open sea and out of the Lebanese waters where the Cypriot ferry waited, thentransfer the passengers from the boats to the ferry to take them to Cyprus.

All this had to be done at late night to minimize the risk of being seen from the mountains and being a target to bombardment.

There was no other way. It was a risk and the agency was not taking any responsibility. All passengers bought the tickets at their own risk! I thought for a moment. If it was my time to die, then I would die wherever I was; here in the street a bomb may fall close to me, or I would die of a bomb hitting our boat. So I agreed. But then the seller said that there were no more places on the Cypriot ship on my decided date. All cabins and rooms were taken. Even the drawers were sold!

“Drawers? What drawers?”, I asked.

They explained that there were drawers on the ship where they put ship items to store. These were rectangular long shafts of human body size arranged horizontally side by side and on top of each other in two-dimensional arrays, where a person could slide in one and sleep just revealing the head! Even these were emptied to carry as many people as possible.

“Just like a coffin”, I said, “but the head section is sliced open”.

They nodded.

“What about if I don’t want to sleep. I want to stay awake and wander on the ship or sit on the deck floor someplace”.

They told me that many passengers had already reserved going like that and even that was no option because the ferry was already carrying more than the allowed weight!

After checking dates, reservations, and allowances, I finally reserved a place a few days later than my decided date. I was to remain on the ferry deck with no cabin, room, drawer, or anything.I did not decide on the drawer anyway because I could not bear the feeling of being in a small closed area just like a hole in a honeycomb…

Many people were leaving the country at very high risk. Every other day the ferry to Cyprus was full.

“So what about the boat that will take us to the larger ferry in the open sea”? I asked.

“Just get to the port before time and show them your ticket. They will tell you”, the agent said.

I stepped out and started to think as I walked back to the place where my parents and I were staying. Some people are making a lot of money in all this. Travel agencies, small boat owners, the company of the Cypriot ferry, people being bribed, etc... Not to mention all the money that the Lebanese would spend in Cyprus for hotel rooms, apartments, restaurants, food, transportation… But that was not my concern now. In a few days, I was going to leave Lebanon. Upon seeing my parents, I told them the full story and saw the concern and fear in their eyes. I was going to leave them here alone too! But they were already staying at the apartment of my father’s friend and his family. The apartment was on the first floor of a building, so that thought comforted me a little.

The travel date arrived and I prepared one piece of luggage to take with me. My friend took me to the port in Jounieh at a time when car benzene was very scarce and was very difficult to obtain. It was already dusk when we reached the port. Luckily there was no bombardment and all was calm. There were too many people at the port and they were only letting in the travelers. So Isaid my goodbyes to my friend, not knowing whether I would return to Lebanon one day or not.

Asking around, I found my way to a hangar-like open space where people were gathering, and from there we were to board a boat. That is the moment when I thought, “What boat? How many people can it carry? There must be about 500 people here”. The people around me told me that the boat could carry about 200 people with 1 piece of luggage each. It was to take several round trips to the larger ferry that would wait for us in the open sea.

We waited and waited. People started to get worried and complained that every moment we stayed there was a risk to our lives because any moment the bombs could start to fall again. The responsible people told us to remain calm and quiet, and that we could not move from there until it was dark. There were children and even babies in our group. The longer we waited the more their complaints and cries were heard.

It quickly became total dark in about 2 hours. The lights of the port were all out except for a few necessary dim lights. Finally, a guard told us to follow him quietly. Lighting cigarettes was strictly forbidden. Lights of any type were forbidden too. We all walked in one queue, one after the other, pulling our luggage behind us, in the near dark, over a path that led us to the top deck of a boat.

It was a very small cargo ship, with only two decks; a top deck which was open from all sides, and a bottom deck inside the boat. There was only one entrance to the bottom section and the opening was about 1 square meter from the ceiling.They obliged the men to go to the bottom deck while the women and children were to stay at the top. There were only a few small benches fixed to the top deck of the boat, the rest was just open space. Everyone was to sit on the floor. People started to ask for their luggage and were told to stay calm as the luggage was being piled up at the front top section of the boat.

A man from our group asked a worker what type of cargo did this boat usually carry before taking us as passengers. The worker answered “potato from Egypt”.

So this was an Egyptian potato cargo boat, and now human lives depended on it…

All the men were now below. It was an open space with just a wooden ladder in the center leading to the top deck.  The ceiling, floor, and all sides were made of bare wood. No paint, no window, no chairs, nothing! Just one electric lamp hanging from the ceiling.

We realized that all the passengers did not get on our boat. Later we were told that there was yet another boat similar to ours which was to follow us. So, instead of doing several round trips, two boats were to carry all the passengers at the same time.

After a short while, the engine started and the boat moved. We guessed that it was already full and our luggage was abroad. We were below, so we did not see the boat leaving the port, we just felt that it was moving.

And so, our risky voyage and adventure began…

The below deck was not a cozy place. It was a nearly oval flat open area with a closed-door at the back. We did not know where it led to, but we guessed that the engine shouldbe there because the engine sound became louder when we approached the door. No one moved anyway. All of us just sat on the floor with our backs to the wooden walls. Some sat in the center, back to back. The height of the place was about two meters. The continuous monotonous engine sound could not be stopped, we had to live with it.

Acquaintances were made during our stay here. People were talking about all types of subjects, but mainly politics and about their misfortunes in Lebanon. I was just sitting silent and looking at people’s faces all around me when I realized a familiar face! I did not remember who he was, but the face was surely very familiar. I looked away examining other faces, but when I looked back at him, I caught him gazing at me too. He smiled and slowly moving he stood up and walked towards me. To my surprise, he addressed me by my name. He told me his name and then I remembered that we were classmates in elementary school!

He exchanged places with the man sitting beside me. It had been about 15 years since we last saw each other. He told me that he worked with his father now. They both repaired ship or boat engines. His father worked on diesel engines while his profession was smaller engines that worked on benzene. He told me that if something happened to the engine of our boat he would be able to fix it. That gave me a little bit of relief. Who knows what would happen on our voyage?

While we talked about the old days, we realized that some people were becoming dizzy. In turn, they stood up, climbed up the wooden stairs to the upper deck to get some fresh air, andcame back down. The air inside was becoming unbreathable with all those people, so it became a ritual for everyone to take a turn and go up the stairs, breathe a bit of fresh air and come back down again. Carbon dioxide and the smell of sweat mixed with the engine exhaust were becoming unbearable. Indeed, the engine exhaust was not directed inside the room, but it still filled the air inside.

While my friend and I were exchanging old memories, I was looking around and my imagination took over! It appeared to me as if we were all sacks of potatoes just lying on the floor…

Suddenly, we heard the women scream! Two men jumped up and quickly climbed to the upper deck while many others stood at alert. After a few minutes, they came down to tell us that we were being targeted and 2 shells had fallen in the waters about less than 100 meters away from our boat…

Our hearts jumped!

Being in a closed room and near the engine, no one below had heard anything.

I could see the fear on some faces. Others wanted to go to the upper deck in case our boat sank.

“We are fortunate that the sky is moonless tonight. They are shooting blind”, said the boatman inserting half his body into the opening of the lower deck.

“When will we be out of their target range?”, asked a passenger who had his wife and child on the upper deck.

“We still have a long way to go, but they will not be able to target us in this darkness. Besides, I think they will not try again because it’s a waste of missiles and we are moving away from land”, said the boatman calmly.

And surely, splashing missiles into the water were never heard again.

Our perilous voyage continuedat a slow pace because this boat could not go any faster. After all, it was meant to transport potatoes, not passengers.

I thought my back would break. The pain was unbearable. I stood up and climbed up the stairs to the upper deck. The humid but cool and fresh air hit my face, and I felt relieved. I could breathe in easily now. I stretched my back and legs a few times, did a few stretching exercises, and looked around me. Everywhere around us was dark. The boat was moving in the darkness. Sometimes the water movement around the boat could be seen in the starlight, but it was very dim. It was forbidden to turn on lights of any sort. Torches, matches, cigarettes were still out of the question.

The sound of the boat engine was the only thing heard as no one was talking, but it was much less up here on the upper deck. I started to wonder, how do they know which direction to navigate? How do they know where the Cypriot ferry is? After all, this was just a simple cargo boat with no electronic sensory equipment. And by the way, where was the other boat that was carrying the rest of the passengers?

Lights from the Lebanese shores were dim now and I could barely make out where our departure port was. I looked at the women and children around me. They were not in better shape than the men! The men were suffocating and sweating below, and the women were freezing above. I could see despair and fear in their eyes. Some children were already asleep in their mothers’ arms, and others were whining.

“Where is the other boat?” I asked the boatman.

“It is over there”, he pointed his finger. “A while ago we lost trackof each other when the 2 shells fell near us, but we are ok now”.

I looked but could not see anything. Maybe he just wanted to reassure me that everything was fine. Maybe he did not want to create a panic. I did not know what to think anymore.

I turned to him and asked, “How much time still to reach the ferry?”.

“Not much now”, he said.

I went down to the lower deck and the ghastly smell returned… I went and sat back near my friend. There was a rumor among the men that we were lost.

“We are lost”, said a man. “They don’t know where they are going. How can they know where the larger ferry is?”

“He just told me that soon we will reach it, so please stay calm. We are all nervous and tired” I replied.

“But why is it taking so long?” he continued.

Some other men tried to calm him down saying that the boat was moving slow, and it could not go any faster.

Gradually the voices died as everyone was sleepy and very tired physically, mentally, and spiritually. I could hear one whisper to himself that we could all die here and it would not make a difference to our government.

It is in such situations that the will and character of people are revealed. Some easily give up, some panic, others just take it as it comes, a few try to change the mood in any way possible, and yet another type never loses hope and fights to survive. My opinion was that we were stuck here and nothing could change our situation. The only logical thing to do was to have patience and hope to reach that savior ferry waiting for us.

All was quiet when we heard the boatmen talk to each other in louder voices.The engine sound also became lower, and there was a sound of wood hitting the upper deck.

Everybody stood up and they started to climb up the stairs but were told to go back down.

“We have reached. The larger ferry is beside us!” I heard someone’s joyful voice.

Some started to pray, praising and thanking God for not forgetting us.

Slow and dizzy, the men started to go to the upper deck. I stood in the queue and climbed up to see the side of the ferry stretching up and sideways covering my vision. That was all I could see in the dark. Our two-decker boat was dancing on the waves just about 2 meters away from the side of the ferry. Old tires were hung on the sides of both ferries to protect in case they slammed onto each other. The sea was a bit wavy now and our boat was not stable in its place. A side door was opened on the bigger ferry and a narrow wooden plank of about 40 centimeters wide was extended between both boats.

The boatmen would ask which luggage belonged to a passenger. The passenger would walk on the plank to the ferry and then the luggage would be transferred hand to hand by several people until it reached the owner on the ferry.

Women were frightened, and some even cried. The men helped them from both sides as they crossed over to the ferry. The children were carried across by their fathers.

I approached and it was my turn. I pointed to my luggage and prepared to walk on the plank. It was just a flat piece of wood, one end resting on the upper deck side of our boat and the other end was at the door of the ferry. Under it was just open spaceand then the water! I waited a few seconds until our boat was relatively stable then I just took a few steps across balancing myself on the wooden plank as I went. Then my luggage was brought and handed to me on the other side. I walked into the ferry where a guide asked for my ticket. I showed him and he waved with his hand directing me to go inside. Another man took my luggage and handed me a number.

I did not look behind anymore. The worst and dangerous part of my voyage was over. Now, another part was starting. I was alone on this large ferry. Where to go? What to do? What will happen to me in Cyprus? Will I get a visa to another country, or will I return to Lebanon one day? Then I thought “Stay calm. One step at a time”.

All the time I was on that potato cargo boat I did not think of checking the time. No one did. As I checked now, it was nearly midnight. It had taken about 4 hours to reach the Cypriot ferry. Together, with a few others, we ascended to the upper deck and watched around as we walked inside. Very soon, I realized that our group was becoming smaller. Each one was leaving the group to sleep someplace or explore on his own, or maybe was searching for someone. I also continued alone. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts in silence.

It was my first time on a ship. Everything was new to me. Having a scientific mind, I started to explore. There were dim lights everywhere. It looked like everyone was trying to sleep. I saw people lying on the floors here and there, and encountered others like me, wandering around. Passing fromone corridor to another I saw the rectangular “honeycomb” holes! I approached with interest and walked by them without stopping. People were sleeping in them with the top of their heads only showing! The rest of their bodies were inside the rectangular space. Some were moving while trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in their uncomfortable and narrow “hole” with a solid hard bottom.

“It’s a good thing that I did not agree to reserve a space like this. I can never sleep in this coffin”, I thought as I walked by.

At the end of this corridor was a wide door which led to outside!

I stepped out to the open air and felt relieved as the cool wind touched my face. I took a deep breath and stopped for a few minutes watching the endless space and stars. I was not sleepy yet. How could I sleep when I had so much to explore?

Dim and few lights from the Lebanese shores and mountains could still be seen from very far away. I tried to pinpoint where the port was, but I couldn’t. I walked on the very long lateral balcony of the ferry wondering when the ship was going to be on its way, but then I remembered that there was still the second boat… I didn’t want to look back, I just walked, occasionally entering and exiting the corridors, sometimes going deep into the corridors and getting acquainted with the way the cabins were arranged. Everywhere was dim. Everybody was asleep. I came out again and continued till I reached the back of the ferry. Wow! This was a wonderful wide spot, like a huge terrace, but it was empty. No chairs or benches to sit on. I stood at the very back.

I now realized that the ferrywas moving. I could see the water trails behind it in the dim starlight. I was finally on my way to Cyprus!

This moment was sentimental for me…

I was watching the lights of my country slowly recede in the distance. I was going away and leaving everything behind; my parents, my friends, our small dog, our home, the familiar roads, the grocery shops… I started to remember the good days I spent in Lebanon, my childhood, my school days, crazy days and nights with my friends… Then my mother’s face appeared to me! I saw her smiling, and I could read her eyes. She was worried but did not show it. Her eyes were saying “Go, my son. Go and find your path away from this place. You have wasted many years in this war. Do not worry about us. Go…”

A few silent tears rolled from my eyes, and the only witnesses were the stars and the vast Mediterranean sea. I was 24 years old then, but being sentimental is no shame. The Lebanese family is bound together in many ways. We do not live like the western world where a child can leave the parent’s house at 18 or 19. Our traditions, beliefs, and lifestyle are different.

Then I remembered what type of life we had lived all those years. No electricity, no water, failing educational system, fear of being captured, rockets, explosions, destruction, facing death every day… Nothing compared to what the Lebanese people endured and suffered since 1979. Yes, we are resilient, but we were not living as humans anymore, not even today in 2022…

The cool breeze quickly dried my tears.

I was doing the right thing. I had to take this risk, hoping that something different and better would happen in my life.

I turned back and walked in theopposite direction filled with mixed thoughts. I enjoyed my solitude on this peaceful ferry. Not a sound was heard other than the occasional splashing of water hitting the ferry. My walk led me to the very front. It was as quiet as the back, but the feeling and the view were different! I looked down and did not see the lower front end of the ferry. As if I was at the edge of the world. As now I think back, I remember the movie “Titanic” which I saw much later. It is very true. When you stand in the very front of a cruising ship, you think that you are flying! And I had the same flying sensation then. It was a beautiful experience.

The water was calmly and intermittently hitting the front while the ferry moved forward. Here, the feeling was different. I felt my life was still to be unfolded before me. Viewed from the front of the ferry it was dark, and I felt myself moving forward into the darkness, into uncertainty, and mystery. What was to happen to me in this new country? The feeling did not scare me. I just felt a shiver. Was it the cold breeze or the thought of an uncertain future? I was not sure.

I abruptly shook my head sideways to expel the negative thoughts. That is something I usually do when negative or bad thoughts start to grow in my mind. Then surely, and miraculously the thoughts disappear! This is a habit that I still have to this day and it works every time. The roots of this strange ability are in my childhood when I used to climb the stairs of our building to our apartment on the seventh floor in total darkness because of no electricity. While ascending, strange thoughts of monsters would fill my mind, just like any child at my age back then.

Maybe it is following me. Maybe the monster is at the next turn waiting to jump at me! And the thought grew more and more…

But one day, when I was going up the stairs in absolute darkness by feeling the walls, I realized that open or closed eyes did not make a difference. The monster thoughts came to me again. My heart started thumping fast and I could not control it anymore. I stopped… I could only feel the walls, nothing else.

Gathering my strength, I said, “Get out of my head” in a low but strong voice. “You do not exist”. Then I shook my head sideways very nervous and fast, repeating the same words several times. Miraculously, the thoughts of monsters were gone and then I continued my ascent slowly. From that day on, I repeated this whenever bad thoughts of any type came to me in any situation, and every time the negative thoughts would disappear!

By now, I identified myself with this ferry. The back was my past with the dim lights slowly fading away with all the good and bad memories and lessons learned. The front represented the path before me, my uncertain future. It was dark because it was not clear what difficulties I was to face soon. It was to be unfolded step by step just as I was seeing only a small section of the waters at a time directly in front of me in the dim starlight. And the ferry, quiet, calm, patient, just like my character, moving silently on the waters without disturbing the peace of anything around it.

I looked around one more time. There was no one. “Maybe only the captain and I are awake”,I whispered and smiled at the thought. Silently, I left this beautiful and calm dark spot at the head of the ferry and walked back. I felt tired and sleepy now. My head was ringing and I was getting dizzy. I walked inside a corridor, found an isolated corner near the stairs, laid and extended my body on my back on the hard floor, and slept…