I had moved and didn't have the space for my littles kitchen set. I found out one of my neighbors had a little one close to my littles age. I thought to myself 'Why not see if they would like it. Its new and only one thing needs fixed.' The faucet part cam off because my little pulled on it too hard, easy fix. So, I had talked with the neighbor and he said it was okay for his little to have it. At this time I'm dating a guy we will call Lydan. Lydan was over and we had been spending time together. I got word from the neighbor that he was able to come pick up the kitchen that day. I was so excited, his little I hoped would get joy out of it. Mine loved her kitchen so much, she loves food. I went to the garage to meet with him to get the kitchen. Lydan had come with me, he had previously told me not to trust the neighbor. But I knew how Lydan thought so I was unsure if it was jealousy or personal dislike or he was being paranoid. The neighbor we will call him Blue and his little, Sky. Blue was standing there in the garage and we locked eyes. I can see most of every around me in my peripherals, but I couldn't look away. My mind curious due to my love for body art I wanted to look to him, he had his shirt off. But when I tell you every fiber of my being did not want to look away, I mean it. I felt so pulled into him and captivated. I could see him for him. Blues energy spilled into me and our souls danced in that moment. My body over come with this soft, blue electricity. It coursed through my veins at warp speed. He felt like my forever. In that moment I fell in love.

I was upset with myself and thought I was crazy. I told myself it was just a impulse and those feelings weren't true. We didn't really speak much from that day on. I went about my life with Lydan and eventually left him. He spilled out of his edges and I was becoming sick and triggered. I got on the phone with my friend of many many years. I love that woman and she has always done right by me. She is no lier, she will tell you the unsugared truth. Even she said he was not okay to be around, so we left for good. I went back to my home and stayed away from Lydan.Over time Blue and Sky would come over for play dates and our littles became best friends.My love for him only grew and I wanted to covet him for myself. Not in a toxic way but in a way of him being mine and me being his. But I tried so hard not to cross that line. He confided in me some things he had recently gone through. Out of love and respect for this man I behaved myself. We would flirt at times but that is the most it came to. We would take the girls places and have adventures. I truly treasure these memories. We have slept a few times in the same bed but never crossed the line. We held hands a few times, it was really great. My brain chilled all the way out as my heart panicked in my chest. A few times, I thought he was going to kisses me. He even gave me a flower once, picked it while we were out driving.

He would flake on me a lot. He was gone a lot too. I understand everyone has a life and I'm not upset at anyone for living. I confessed to Blue how I felt and the I was a little confused. He talked with me and told me we were okay but that he couldn't love like that. I understood. I always understand. Slowly things moved forward and time passed as we on and off hung out. My love for him never changed and I never expected more than friendship. We thought about moving in together and I thought about it, and I told him I couldn't. Even though it was my idea. It would have helped us both. But my heart broke at the thought of him bringing another woman home. I realized I wouldn't be able to set my feelings aside to live together. I told him I couldn't do that because I would feel like I was playing house. He miss understood me so we talked and I clarified. I cried and we moved on.

I wasn't doing so well. My world was heavy and it was so hard to breathe. I am a single mother, there is no father. My parents are sick and dying. My best friend Robbin was playing with my head. I couldn't go to my bestie Ziya because Robbin was being weird and I didn't want her to hurt them. All the while I am struggling with my anxiety, depression and C-PTSD. I was drowning in the air in my lungs. I was stumbling on my shoelaces and the ground kept falling out from under me. My hands trembled so violently I blamed it on the coffee. Sleep was an elusive running through my fingers. And time was so lost I felt like Alice. I needed someone and I was trying to reach out without being a burden. Blue said he would help with something and he left me hanging. We had a falling out and we still haven't talked about it. Even thought I stopped talking to him. When Robbin triggered me so hard I went to the hospital. I messaged him. He was the only one I felt like I couldn't trust to help me. To protect me in that moment. And he said he would drive me home when I was released. He brought me home and hugged, I about fell apart right there. He left and I went inside and cried.

We still haven't talked, and I'm sad as fuck. But I will be okay. Funny he kept saying he wasn't going to be in a relationship. But then he got with someone. Funny, huh. So here I am trying to move on with my life. Writing out my pain in the most appropriate way I can. I will keep my head high and move forward. I am going to keep learning different ways to love myself and build the empire I want in this life. For I am a queen in my own castle. I will not lower my head in shame for feeling for another. You know they, if you love something let it go. If it comes back to you, it was always yours. I wont hold my breathe, I wont stop my time. I will live my life and move forward. I do not live in the past. I live in the present and dream of the future. I love you, soft Blue electricity.